Pre-MLR Will Make Its Re-Branding Debut This Weekend as ‘MLR Jr.’

NEW-MLR-Logo

Phoenix, AZ — The 10th annual Messianic Leadership Roundtable will take place this weekend, starting with what was formerly known as “Pre-MLR.” Pre-MLR is the day before MLR and is geared toward the next generation of Messianic leaders. MLR is the only leadership conference in the entire Messianic movement that brings together leaders from every major Messianic Organization and allows them to be in a controlled environment with plenty of security officers to prevent them from killing each other.

“Originally, this year’s MLR was going to be an African Safari in Kenya, but due to rising costs, we very unfortunately had to cancel that trip and move the conference back to Phoenix,” explained Jewish Voice and Messianic Movement President Jonathan Bernis. “Since this is our 10th MLR, we still wanted to do something to make the 2018 conference stand out. It was always our intention to change the name of Pre-MLR. That name was temporary until we could come up with a better one, and I really think we have a winner with ‘MLR Jr.’ it’s got a much nicer ring to it, and it also describes what the event actually is: a day for the youngsters. And I know those youngsters love catchy names they can pound sign on Instatwitter. So make sure you pound sign MLR Jr this year if you’re attending. And if you’re not attending, it’s only because you weren’t important enough to be invited. I’m looking at you, Messianic Meow! But I digress. Seriously though, pound sign MLR Jr. I’m not quite sure exactly what that does, but Matt Rosenberg told me it was a thing.”

If you’d like to be invited to MLR/ MLR Jr in the future, you may want to consider becoming a Rabbi. Most the MJAA and UMJC congregations in the U.S. are ready to start training up their next Rabbi, and it could be you…unless you’re a woman!

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FDA Retroactively Warns: Smoking Marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s May Cause You to Become Messianic Rabbi

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Silver Spring, MD — The Food and Drug Administration issued a retroactive warning this week that smoking marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s may cause you to become a Messianic Rabbi. The warning was issued after The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that 92% of Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60 had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan on at least one occasion during the 1970s, leading to a necessary study to find out if there is a direct correlation between previously doing drugs with Bob Dylan and becoming a Messianic Rabbi. The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the two incidents.

“It’s really appalling,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute in Pennsylvania. “After rigorous research on the testimonies of various Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60, we have come to realize that 92% of them had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan, at least one time during the 1970s. Unfortunately, all of that marijuana is long gone by now, so it would be impossible for us to analyze the drugs in question to see if they were laced with something that affected the brain of young Jews and made them think they need to lead congregations for Jews who believe Jesus is The Messiah. But then again, we don’t really need to run tests on the drugs. I think the proof is in the pudding. The drugs were clearly laced with something very weird. This may also explain why all Messianic gatherings have to have food present.”

Robert “Bob Dylan” Zimmerman initially could not be reached for comment, though we suspect he was intentionally tampering with the aforementioned drugs to ensure he was not the only Jewish believer in the country. Dylan later responded only with, “It ain’t me, babe.”

 

 

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All Messianic Recording Artists Change Their Names to Shae

Beckah Shae

Philadelphia, PA and Nashville, TN — Interesting news this week out of the Messianic music scene, as every Messianic recording artist simultaneously changed their name to Shae. In an effort to come together as one, in our very divided community, the musicians opted to make a very bold statement to the world, by all taking on a shared name.

“Beckah Shae was the first, but then Sharon Wilbur started going by Shae Wilbur, which was ‘unrelated’ to Beckah’s name, of course,” explained Nate Benjamin, now Nate Shae, in a press release. “As Jews we’re supposed to be set apart, and as Messianic Jews, well you know…We’re REALLY set apart. But sometimes our music doesn’t set us apart from Christian artists, so if we all have a common name, then everyone will know exactly Who/what we represent.  Besides, when you’re as masculine as I am, sometimes you need a little help showing your feminine side. And what better way to do that than by using a girl’s name?”

Shae, which is Hebrew for “unique” or “one of a kind,” is gaining popularity on the Billboard Top 100 Baby Names Chart, thanks, mostly, to Messianic artists. Artists, such as Paul Shae, Joel Shae, Joshua Shae, Shae Pearce, Heartcry of Shae-vid, Blue Mo-shae-ic, Shae Sol, How to Shae, and Shae-mie Hilsden. At press time, Marty and Misha Goetz are both still on the fence over exactly where to fit “Shae” into their names, as ‘Shae Goetz’ is too close to the derogatory Yiddish term for a Gentile male.

 

 

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Guest Post by Associate Rabbi David Wein | Local Congregation Bans Treif Jokes at Oneg

pepperoni pizza

Honolulu, HI — After the flurry of the high holidays, Congregation Or Yisrael has decided to focus their attention on the most pressing issue of their community: joking about non-Kosher food.  “It seems like every week someone will say, ‘I brought a pizza’ to which another person will inevitably chime in ‘with pepperoni?’  It’s really a low form of humor to which we’d rather not stoop,” notes local congregant, Marty Katz.

A sign posted in the fellowship hall alerts all members and visitors to the new community standards.  Asking questions like, “Rabbi, is there a blessing for the lobster?” in hopes of referencing the beloved, iconic film Fiddler on the Roof are now strictly un-Kosher.  “Surely the sanctity of Tevye and his family are not to be brought into such a common, Vaudevillian context,” explained Rabbi Harry Heinzleberg.

The congregation has not made a ruling on mixing milk with meat jokes, as in, “How about a nice, juicy Cheeseburger?” This is due to the schism on the halakha of Rabbinical Kosher jokes in the Messianic Jewish community.  There is, however, a consensus on pork humor.  “A pig-free comedic environment eliminates a stumbling block for everyone in the wider community,” Katz explained. “We’re keeping it Kosher in the kitchen and in conversation.”

The success of the new initiative has led the congregation to think about expanding it.  “Jokes about Jewish Mothers: you’re next!” cautioned the Rabbi.

 

 

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Israeli Messianic Band MIQEDEM Working on Greatest Hits Album

MIQEDEM

Tel Aviv, Israel — Messianic Judaism’s favorite band, MIQEDEM, announced last week they are working on their second album. After exploding to Messianic fame in the last year, including a US tour, the demand is high enough to record a sophomore album just a little over a year after releasing their debut album. The Messianic world is waiting with bated breath to see what Jamie Hilsden and his crew will come up with next.

“I’ve been part of many many many Messianic bands and MIQEDEM has found the greatest success, by far,” lead singer and guitarist, Jamie Hilsden, said in a video on MIQEDEM’s Indiegogo page. “People love to listen to our songs on repeat. In fact, when we played the UMJC conference in July, the crowd wanted us to keep going, but we were out of songs. So we just went through our album again and everyone loved it. I don’t know if they even noticed, and I think it’s because they don’t understand what we’re singing about, because American Messianics don’t understand Hebrew. So after that we realized we could probably release a greatest hits album already. We’ll get money from selling two albums and we don’t even have to write any new material. It’s a win-win situation.”

MIQEDEM is raising money to record their second album, which will include every song from their first album, plus Elohim Lanu and Kol HaNeshama. If you’d like to help MIQEDEM reach their goal of $23,200 to record their new album, you may donate here: www.indiegogo.com/projects/miqedem-album-2#/

 

 

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Ari Waldman Officially Becomes Youngest Rabbi to Be Ari Waldman

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Dallas, TX — Exciting news out of Dallas this weekend, as Rabbi Marty Waldman of Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue in Dallas has officially handed the congregation over to his son, Rabbi Ari Waldman. The Junior Waldman, who is now the youngest Congregational Leader in the Messianic Movement, assumed the position this past Saturday, October 14th, coupled with a congregational celebration. The transition has been in the works for quite some time, as Rabbi Marty has been preparing to step back and let his son take over.

“It’s not easy being Ari Waldman,” said Ari Waldman in a mass text message to the other young leaders of the Movement. “Not only do I have my hands full as a Husband and Father, but I am also the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance, as well as the head coach of The Dallas Brisket in the Messianic Softball League. Now I am the Senior Rabbi of one of the largest Messianic Congregations in the world, so I probably will never sleep again. It will be like one giant conference that never ends. Because it’s my life and not an actual conference. How will I manage to do it all? Well, I will continue to rely on Yeshua and Whataburger to help me.”

Out of support for her younger brother, Waldman’s sister, Sabra, made sure to comment to us, “Don’t write about me in The Meow!”

We certainly wish a big mazel tov to the new Senior Rabbi! If you’d like to hear Rabbi Ari’s sermons and are unable to make it to their services, you can catch their livestreams and archives at http://baruchhashemsynagogue.org

 

 

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