If the Al Chet Were Written in 2016

al-chet-2016

So every year on Yom Kippur we recite a prayer called the Al Chet, which is a prayer of confession that helps us atone for our sins for the previous year. The Al Chet was written a long time ago and a lot has changed since then. Here’s what I think the Al Chet might read like if it were written in 2016 (feel free to add your own):

•For the sin we have sinned before You by verbally abusing Siri.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by abusing hashtags.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by Snapchatting pictures and videos of people who are sleeping.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by taking first world problems seriously.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by the times we couldn’t even.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by not labeling our food porn.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by putting a “D” in front of the word “awwww.”
•For the sin we have sinned before you by sarcastically thanking Obama when something went wrong that wasn’t his fault.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by using the term “on fleek.”
•For the sin we have sinned before You by asking our restaurant server to list every single salad dressing they have and then just ordering Ranch.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by eating Ranch dressing.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by Facebook stalking our ex’s current significant other, even though we are much better looking and yellow is so not her color.

Ve-al kulam, Elo’ah selichot, selach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu.
For all these, God of pardon, pardon us, forgive us, atone for us.

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