UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

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Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

 

 

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography

April the Giraffe Finally Gives Birth, Is Immediately Slaughtered by Orthodox Rabbis After They Realize Giraffes are Biblically Kosher

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Harpursville, NY – After what feels like an eight year long pregnancy, the famed giraffe, April, from the Animal Adventure Park in New York, finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy, on Saturday, April 15th, 2017. April was originally due two months ago, but we believe she was intentionally waiting for the month she was named after. However, in a sad turn of events, April was slaughtered, early yesterday, for purposes of being eaten by Orthodox Jews, who realized giraffes are biblically Kosher.

“According to Leviticus 11, giraffes are Kosher animals, since they chew cud and have cloven hooves, like cows,” said local Orthodox Rabbi, Stan Liebowitz. “I’ve never eaten a giraffe before and I’ve never known anyone who has, so once we were able to locate a giraffe nearby, we knew we needed to make haste on the opportunity. April was a prime candidate for us; she’s 15 years old and giraffes usually only live till 15. She was probably gonna die soon anyway. So we figured we should just put her out of her misery. She was delicious though, I have to tell you. We normally eat lamb for the final seder, but this year we are treating ourselves to giraffe. And there’s plenty more left. As soon as Peach ends, we’ll certainly be enjoying these giraffe burgers. Shame they’re endangered though; I could make a killing off of selling giraffe meat.”

While giraffes may, indeed, be both biblically Kosher and delicious, we, at The Messianic Meow, do not condone eating them. Please recite the Mourner’s Kaddish in memory of poor April. What a way to go. I guess being an internet celebrity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

 

 

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YMJA Announces Extreme South Regional Retreat In Antarctica

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In response to the overwhelming success of their various regional conferences, the YMJA has announced the first ever youth-only Extreme South regional retreat, which will be the first regional conference to take place outside of the United States. The event will take place in January of 2018, and will be held at McMurdo base in Antarctica.

“We’re very excited to announce this new regional retreat,” said YMJA President Jason Rich. “It’s a fantastic opportunity for all of our YMJA members who are currently conducting scientific research at the South Pole, as well as those who would simply enjoy the change of scenery, to gather together and focus on their spiritual walks. This will be a true retreat, even more so than any of our other conferences – a chance to get away from all of life’s distractions and focus on fellowship and drawing closer to God.”

Obviously, the retreat’s polar location has prompted some adjustments to the YMJA’s usual retreat format. Rather than being set for a specific place and time, outdoor events such as the snowman competition, the penguin safari and the ice fishing will be scheduled to occur somewhere within a certain time range, with the precise time and location announced shortly before the event based on weather and leopard seal sightings. Indoor events will still have specified times, but since the base functions primarily as a research station, the events may shift locations due to the needs of the site’s staff.

The unusual site has also prompted some additions and tweaks to the rules. For example, the YMJA’s infamous modesty motto, “If your belly button shows, you’ve got to change your clothes,” has been altered to better suit the situation of the retreat’s extreme climate; as such, attendees will instead be informed that, “If your belly button shows, remember these helpful tips to prevent frostbite.” Also, in a move sure to please the under 18 crowd, the usual midnight curfew has been waived. The reason for this change is that it was judged superfluous in a facility where all outdoor travel requires the presence of a qualified chaperone due to the cold and the need to protect the environment from excess human interference. Additionally, the YMJA leadership team has specifically asked that people refrain from bringing a particular item. “We realize that the temptation must be great to watch the movie ‘The Thing’ while you’re in Antarctica,” said YMJA treasurer Ravi Goldberg. “After all, it takes place at the very facility we’ll be staying at. However due to its R rating, we ask that attendees not bring or watch the movie while at the retreat.”

As for the cost of attending, which may be high due to the exorbitant rental fees charged by the base for use of their facilities, Goldberg says that some financial assistance will be available for those unable to cover the expense. “We don’t want the cost to force anyone to miss out on this wonderful opportunity,” he said. “Sadly we can’t do anything about travel expenses, but we will have a limited number of scholarships available to cover the price of the conference.”

For those interested in attending, details including registration information will soon be available on the YMJA website. And if you are looking to come out, President Rich has one last piece of advice for you. “Whatever you do,” he says, “don’t forget your coat!”

 

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The 12 Most Influential Messianics Under 12

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The Messianic Meow has compiled a list of the 12 most influential Messianics in America, who have yet to become old enough to be called to The Torah, yet are on pace to change the Messianic movement as we know it. In no particular order, here they are:

1) Eliana Wisenthal (4), Temple New Jerusalem, Dunedin, FL – At the ripe age of four years old, Eliana is already designing world class roller coasters with a velocity higher than the future Yeshualand location on The Moon. Eliana scored so well on Jewish Voice’s Predictive Index test, that President Bernis has already signed a contract with her to be Yeshualand’s primary roller coaster designer, in addition to writing her in as the sole beneficiary of his will.

2)  Elyana Salzberg (10), Ahavat Zion, Santa Monica, CA – Though she has already hit double digits and is no spring chicken, Elyana Salzberg has finally baked the world’s largest challah, that is said to be able to feed the entire population of Montana. The single loaf of bread measures 47 cubits long and weighs 180lbs.

3)  Ellyana Granneman (9), Brit Ahm, Pensacola, FL – Ellyana Granneman is the first person in the history of Messianic Judaism to invent a new form of Davidic Dancing that combines both dancing and eating at the same time, proving to be truly Jewish. Ellyana also choreographed Marty Goetz’s Broadway musical, “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat” and she is expected to win a Tony Award for her choreography…and we ain’t lai-in’!

4)  David Ruthstein (7), Keren Ohr, Savannah, GA – At just seven years old, David Ruthstein holds the world record for the longest Tekiah Gedolah. David is able to hold out the note on the shofar for a full 17 minutes. David was instrumental in orchestrating the upcoming Yeshualand Philharmonic that will be performing at the grand opening of both the Arizona and Seattle locations. David can also be found blowing his shofar at inappropriate times, such as outside, during a hurricane.

5)  David Benafuchi (6), Adat HaTikvah, Deerfield, IL – David Benafuchi is a boy genius and can chant the entire Torah, from memory. On top of this, he can also do hagbah one handed. Come to think of it, David’s parents have yet to produce his birth certificate, so he may possibly just be a very small adult. That would also explain the full grown beard.

6)  Elliana Rosenplaza (6), Beth Messiah, Cincinnati, OH – Six year old Elliana Rosenplaza is the youngest Shadchen in the movement. Though she is currently missing four of her teeth, she has already arranged nine marriages, three of which are already expecting their first children. Baby, you’re the greatest!

7)  David Sanders (8), Mayim Chayim, Daphne, AL – David Sanders attends a synagogue in Alabama. Mazel tov, David!

8)  David Orbach (11), Lev HaShem, Las Vegas, NV – Though his voice hasn’t even changed yet, David Orbach is the first official Messianic Mohel. David will be traveling the country performing Brit Milot upon request. He’s great about not getting too snippy about last minute ceremonies.

9)  Eliana Hernandez (2), Restoration, Seattle, WA – Baby Eliana isn’t such a baby anymore. Though she technically isn’t even potty trained, Eliana is near complete on writing her first Kosher Whole 30 cook book. Her creativity is delicious!

10) Eliana Cohen (5), Kol Mashiach, Melbourne, FL – Eliana Cohen, our little negotiator, who was able to talk The Rosen into lowering conference prices even more than they already were. Eliana is well on her way to being the youngest conference junkie ever and  she’s not even in Kindergarten yet. And they say you can’t teach children to haggle.

11) Noah Adler (9), Tree of Life, San Diego, CA – Noah Adler can garden with the best of them. Noah commutes between San Diego and Israel every week to plant trees for Bar Mitzvah boys and Bat Mitzvah girls. Adler says he hopes to eventually branch out beyond Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts.

12) Eliana Lavin (11), Baruch HaShem, Dallas, TX – Eliana Lavin is busy in Texas raising pigs to chew cud, so that they can be considered Kosher animals. And by Kosher, of course we mean Biblically Kosher, AKA “Messianic Kosher.”

Keep an eye out for these youngsters; soon they will be the ones arguing with each other over trivial things that only hinder the Messianic movement from progressing, rather than building God’s kingdom, like it should be!

 

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Jew With No Allergies Seized by Government

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Washington DC – 23 year old Alison Goldbloom of Alexandria, VA was seized by the United States Government, early Tuesday, after it was found out she has eight Jewish Great Grandparents and zero allergies. Goldbloom has no food or environmental allergies, making her the subject of a widespread panic among the Food and Drug Administration. Ashkenazi Jews are notorious for having multiple allergies, so to find one without any is cause for alarm.

“Ms. Goldbloom has exhibited signs of a super human, or perhaps, alien race,” Michael Johnson, a scientist with the FDA, explained in a press conference. “We’ve run extensive tests on her and she has not reacted to any of the hundreds of allergens we’ve pumped into her system. It’s quite remarkable, really, especially after we’ve run DNA tests on her and she has not a drop of gentile blood in her system. We’ve never seen anything like this, and, frankly, we’re a little concerned that we have been invaded by aliens. Ms. Goldbloom, sadly, will not live to see her 24th birthday, but she will die in the name of science! This is for the good of the human race. However, if anybody from her home planet would care to save her, we will gladly trade you Walt Disney’s frozen body, and a lifetime supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, for the secret to, what is clearly, immortality.”

While no official decision has been made yet on how or when Goldbloom will be ‘sacrificed in the name of science,’ The FDA is expecting to arrange to take care of that before the holidays, in the hopes that whoever claims Goldbloom as their own will want to come back for her before Chanukah. A petition has been started to spare the young Jewish woman, who was most likely just born with an abnormality in her genes. The petition can be found at www.change.org/p/alison-goldbloom-save-poor-jewish-girl-with-no-allergies

 

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Please Help The Meow Get to ARCH

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Hi friends and fans…I’m trying to be able to go to the ARCH Leadership Summit in Orlando next month so that I can make The Meow even better than it already is, but money is tight and I can’t afford a plane ticket. Will you please pray about helping? Every dollar counts…if each of my Facebook followers donated $1 each i’d be able to get there and back almost three times!

Here’s a link to my fundraising page: www.youcaring.com/themessianicmeow-710503

MJAA Found to Consume More Ice Cream Per Capita Than Any Other Religious Organization in the Country

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Grantham, PA – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute suggests that more ice cream is consumed per capita within the community of the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America than any other religious organization in the country. The study took place after a record number of IAMCS Rabbis were found to be searching WebMD for “Cancer caused by brain freeze.”

“Nobody is actually able to pinpoint how this ice cream custom began,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “However, we believe it started with the soft serve machine at Messiah College. The MJAA ice cream consumption was exacerbated by the machine being out of service for years during Messiah Conference, which caused a scarcity effect. Our other theory is because they are so Holy Spirit focused, they may feel that eating ice cream everyday is like a permanent Shavuot. Either way, it appears to be subconscious, as no one can actually explain why they eat so much ice cream.”

The mass ice cream consumption does seem to be confined to members of the MJAA community, as opposed to the entire Messianic community. Whenever the IAMCS/MJAA Rabbis get together they have ice cream socials, contrary to the UMJC Rabbis who smoke cigars at their gatherings. The study also concluded that the Messianics who consume ice cream daily are sadly found to attract more mosquitoes in humid climates, as their blood is made up of 88% sugar.

 

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