Silver Spring, MD — The Food and Drug Administration issued a retroactive warning this week that smoking marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s may cause you to become a Messianic Rabbi. The warning was issued after The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that 92% of Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60 had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan on at least one occasion during the 1970s, leading to a necessary study to find out if there is a direct correlation between previously doing drugs with Bob Dylan and becoming a Messianic Rabbi. The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the two incidents.
“It’s really appalling,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute in Pennsylvania. “After rigorous research on the testimonies of various Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60, we have come to realize that 92% of them had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan, at least one time during the 1970s. Unfortunately, all of that marijuana is long gone by now, so it would be impossible for us to analyze the drugs in question to see if they were laced with something that affected the brain of young Jews and made them think they need to lead congregations for Jews who believe Jesus is The Messiah. But then again, we don’t really need to run tests on the drugs. I think the proof is in the pudding. The drugs were clearly laced with something very weird. This may also explain why all Messianic gatherings have to have food present.”
Robert “Bob Dylan” Zimmerman initially could not be reached for comment, though we suspect he was intentionally tampering with the aforementioned drugs to ensure he was not the only Jewish believer in the country. Dylan later responded only with, “It ain’t me, babe.”
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