Guest Post by Anonymous | Messianic Judaism Sees Major Wave of Circumcision Reversal Surgeries for Gentiles

Circumcision Reversal

Brooklyn, New York’s fastest growing Plastic Surgery practice attributes their intense level of growth to the large number of Brit Milah reversal procedures performed upon Messianic Gentiles who, upon embarking on their journey to follow Messianic Judaism with full commitment of heart, “committing their life and limb,” so to speak, were circumcised. Peter Tipoff, a former Baptist, who while searching Scriptures and was stunned to find out Yeshua (Jesus) was Jewish, was led to search for Jewish people who believed in Yeshua. His search led him to a Messianic Synagogue in a major Northeast city and he started attending services regularly. When interviewed, Tipoff said, “I felt so at home and such a part of the family, I began first to use Hebrew terms, then advanced to wearing a kippah and tallit in synagogue. After a while I started to wear tzitzit on my belt loops. From there I felt it was time that I ‘went all in’ and had a Brit Milah.” It was only after further investigating that Tipoff found that the Scriptures do not require Gentiles to fulfill the mitzvah of circumcision.

Plastic Surgeon, Doctor T. Ikun, stated, “I never expected to see so many Gentile men who loved God so much they were willing to suffer so much to feel like part of the family.” He also added, “I never imagined that almost half of my practice would involve this kind of restoration surgery.”

A local Messianic Rabbi, who asked not to be identified, shared with us, “Messianic Judaism’s attraction to people of the Nations grew so quickly that we were somewhat unprepared for the sudden growth and were a little behind in trying to nip this in the bud. But we think we are making progress in teaching and hope to see a marked decline in the need for reversal surgeries.”

It is our hope Doctor T. Ikun’s practice can return shortly to primarily working on nose jobs.

 

 

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Introvert Deliberately Gives Her Cold to Anyone Who Shakes Her Hand During Congregational Greeting Time

Introvert

Richmond, VA – 28 year old Rachel Cantor is over it. She really just is. Cantor is Messianic, but she is also an introvert. An introvert who loves Yeshua, but an introvert no less. Cantor has no control over the mandatory greeting time that Tikvat Israel Messianic Synagogue in Richmond, VA has established during their Saturday morning Torah service, but she says there is no way around this without missing the actual service. Cantor is so committed to attending 100% of every service, that she has even known to show up when she is ill.

“Look, it’s not my fault the old Jews in my congregation can’t keep their hands to themselves,” Cantor wrote in her blog. “I try to slump down in my seat so people know not to acknowledge me, but it doesn’t work. I just want to keep to myself, but these people insist on not only trying to make small talk with me during the two minutes of greeting time (that feel like an hour when you’re in introvert), but they have to shake my hand or touch my shoulder too. So maybe I had a cold this weekend. And then maybe I licked my hand, knowing they would all feel a burning desire to touch it. I can neither confirm nor deny intentionally getting them all sick. But if I had, they certainly deserved it. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. No, Seriously. Just keep your hands to yourself. I really don’t get it. And I’m over it. So over it.”

In a modern day tale of introvert induced chemical warfare, 15 congregants mysteriously came down with a cold after the aforementioned Shabbat service. Will they learn their lesson? It is more than likely that they not only did not learn their lessons, but may walk around with their used kleenex in their hands as they touch as many people as possible, spreading the germs even further. This behavior sickens us.

 

 

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UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

RomanAlaina

Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

 

 

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography

40 Messianics Actually Able to Pass a Bowel Movement After Congregational Charoset Found to be Laced with Prunes

LetMyPeopleGo

Louisville, KY – 40 Messianics from Beth Shelcha Ima Messianic Congregation in Louisville, KY, had quite the surprise last night, after suddenly having to run to the bathroom to pass a bowel movement in the middle of their congregation’s final night Passover Seder. Passover is notorious for constipating Jews everywhere, from consuming matzah three times a day for seven days (or eight, if you aren’t following what The Torah says). Since prunes tend to have the opposite effect of matzah on the digestive system, someone slipped some prunes into the charoset for the Seder. Charoset is an important part of the Passover seder, and is traditionally made in Ashkenazi style, with nuts, apples, wine or grape juice, and cinnamon. Prunes are a nice complement for the aforementioned ingredients, as well as a vehicle to cancel out the destruction of your bathroom habits after copious amounts of matzah eating.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Congregational member, Roz Blackwell. “Normally during Pesach I’m stopped up all week. The matzah…it’s like bricks in your colon. I just wanna plotz, but at 62 years old, I know now that one week every year I just can’t go number two. I just can’t. But gevalt in himmel…wouldn’t you know…somebody got smart this year and mixed prunes in the charoset! Brilliant! Mazel tov! I’d like to personally thank the person who did that, and I might want to apologize to the plumber that had to unclog all the toilets…but I just feel so…whatever the opposite of bloated is. Thank you thank you to the kind stranger that loves my digestive system more than Pharaoh did. THANK YOU!”

Do you like pooping during Passover? L’shana haba’a, we recommend switching to gluten free matzah. While you may not use it to fulfill the mitzvah of a Passover seder, it does allow you to continue your bathroom routine as normal. I know our reporting today is full of crap, but…I gotta go.

 

 

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Rabbi Jonathan Cahn Publishes New Diet Book, ‘The Mystery of the Fatted Calf’

jonathancahn

Rabbi Jonathan Cahn has taken the Messianic and Christian worlds by storm with his best-selling novel The Harbinger. But now he seeks to conquer another realm – the realm of health and nutrition. Cahn’s new diet book, The Mystery of the Fatted Calf, was released this week in Christian bookstores nationwide, and it has absolutely everybody talking.

“Throughout the Scriptures, the fatted calf appears as a symbol of God’s favor,” said Rabbi Cahn in a press release about the book. “When God and His angels visit Abraham in Genesis 18, the fatted calf is the meal which Abraham prepares for them. In the parable of the prodigal son, the father gives an order for the fatted calf to be prepared as a celebratory feast. It is a symbol of our communion with The Creator, a feast that consummates our reconciliation with our God through acceptance of the Messiah. In this book, I combine in-depth Biblical study with the latest in cutting-edge nutritional research to unlock the mysteries of this marvelous wonder food which God has provided, and reveal how we can utilize it to maximize our health and even increase our lifespans.”

So, is Cahn’s revolutionary new diet plan the real deal? Well, obviously it will take a while before we can judge the long-term effects, but early reviews sound promising. “This book is a revelation, plain and simple,” writes Greg Whitman of Christian literary review journal Holy Handwriting. “[Rabbi] Cahn has an immense gift for finding previously undiscovered connections between passages and tying them together into a cohesive whole, and this book is perhaps his crowning achievement in that regard. Verses which once seemed unrelated blend effortlessly and seamlessly together as he delves deeper into the Word, backing it all up with a wide array of dietary studies to emphasize the fundamental unity of Scripture and reveal God’s divine will for our diets. Long live the fatted calf!”

Jake Liebowitz of The Messianic Gazette was similarly enthusiastic. “While it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the whirlwind of numbers and references that Rabbi Cahn throws at you,” he writes, “it’s hard to argue with the results. The fatted calf is truly God’s greatest dietary gift to man, and one that all followers of Messiah should feel blessed to receive. If I wasn’t a vegetarian, I’d be eating at least a steak a day.”

However, Cahn hasn’t won over everyone just yet. While Michael Weisman of Messianic Health Review praises the book’s wealth of information, he maintains a bit of skepticism about the diet. “Sadly,” he writes, “for all the complexity of Cahn’s bold new dietary theory, I still find myself unconvinced by his conclusions, and certain sections – the part about dietary adjustments during blood moons, for example – feel like a bit of a stretch. Still, Rabbi Cahn definitely provides a massive amount of raw data to sift through, and the end result leaves any reader with a lot to think about. The theory may well have value, and certainly merits further investigation. I’m just saying don’t bet the whole hog (or calf, as the case may be) on it until further studies confirm the esteemed Rabbi’s findings.”

Regardless of Weisman’s reservations, plenty of believers seem quite eager to test out Cahn’s groundbreaking new dietary concepts. The Mystery of the Fatted Calf has leapt to the top of bestseller lists nationwide, and sales of beef and steak have shown a sharp spike as thousands of faithful embrace what Cahn calls “the chosen meal for the chosen people.” As for the author, he insists his work on his theory is far from over. As he gears up for a whirlwind speaking tour in support of his new book, the Rabbi pledges to continue to refine his work, incorporating the latest dietary research and newly discovered obscure Biblical connections into his messages to ensure the most accurate possible information.  After all, when it comes to radical new diets, you have to be careful – there’s a lot at steak.

 

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Rabbi Tim Hyslip Found to Actually Be Superman

timhyslip

Glendale, AZ – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that Rabbi Tim Hyslip of Congregation Baruch HaShem, near Phoenix, is actually Superman. The study began in December after Rabbi Tim suffered a Level 3 Embolic Stroke in his right frontal lobe and was released from the hospital within four days. This marks the first medical related study from the behavior institute.

“Rabbi Tim’s stroke coordinator referred to him as a ‘walking miracle’ and we can’t exactly argue with her there,” explained Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “For someone barely into their 40s to have a stroke the size of an adult male’s fist and be out of the hospital in less than a handful of days…I mean obviously something is going on here that we can’t see. Other than God performing a modern day miracle, of course. I started to suspect that Rabbi Tim may be Superman when he was released from the hospital. First of all, it’s a well known fact that Superman is Jewish. Second of all, Superman and Rabbi Tim have never been seen in the same room at the same time, so that definitely tipped me off. And third of all, and I cannot stress this enough…’walking miracle’ or hidden super powers? You be the judge. Fortunately for us we were able to get a sample of Rabbi Tim’s blood from the hospital and have run extensive tests, the results of which we have finally received from our friends at the CDC. Normally the CDC would not be helping with something like this, but they were incredibly intrigued. Anyway, Rabbi Tim did, in fact, test positive for a Kryptonite allergy, proving that he is definitely Superman. This may also explain why he insists on changing clothes in phone booths.”

While Rabbi Tim does possess super human recovery powers, unfortunately he and his family of seven do not have super human make-money-appear-out-of-nowhere powers, and still have to figure out how to pay for the medical bills acquired from this already stressful ordeal. Please consider helping them out by donating here: https://www.gofundme.com/timhyslipmedicalfund

 

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