Introvert Deliberately Gives Her Cold to Anyone Who Shakes Her Hand During Congregational Greeting Time

Introvert

Richmond, VA – 28 year old Rachel Cantor is over it. She really just is. Cantor is Messianic, but she is also an introvert. An introvert who loves Yeshua, but an introvert no less. Cantor has no control over the mandatory greeting time that Tikvat Israel Messianic Synagogue in Richmond, VA has established during their Saturday morning Torah service, but she says there is no way around this without missing the actual service. Cantor is so committed to attending 100% of every service, that she has even known to show up when she is ill.

“Look, it’s not my fault the old Jews in my congregation can’t keep their hands to themselves,” Cantor wrote in her blog. “I try to slump down in my seat so people know not to acknowledge me, but it doesn’t work. I just want to keep to myself, but these people insist on not only trying to make small talk with me during the two minutes of greeting time (that feel like an hour when you’re in introvert), but they have to shake my hand or touch my shoulder too. So maybe I had a cold this weekend. And then maybe I licked my hand, knowing they would all feel a burning desire to touch it. I can neither confirm nor deny intentionally getting them all sick. But if I had, they certainly deserved it. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. No, Seriously. Just keep your hands to yourself. I really don’t get it. And I’m over it. So over it.”

In a modern day tale of introvert induced chemical warfare, 15 congregants mysteriously came down with a cold after the aforementioned Shabbat service. Will they learn their lesson? It is more than likely that they not only did not learn their lessons, but may walk around with their used kleenex in their hands as they touch as many people as possible, spreading the germs even further. This behavior sickens us.

 

 

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Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

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UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

RomanAlaina

Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

 

 

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography

Merchandise is here!!!

Swag is finally here!! Get your t-shirts to wear to summer conferences! We also have hoodies, totes, phone cases, mugs, etc.

 

https://messianicmeow.threadless.com

 

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Counting the Omer Darn Near Impossible for Today’s American Children, Thanks to Common Core Math

Hercules Counting

Murca — Today is the 43rd day of the Omer, a Jewish tradition that counts 50 days from Passover to Shavuot, as instructed by God in Leviticus 23:15-17. Shavuot is the day The Torah was given to the Jews. It was also the day The Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) descended, and is widely known as “Pentecost” in Christian circles. While counting 50 days was once a simple task, it has since become nearly impossible for today’s American children, thanks to Common Core Math.

“My kids have run into all sorts of issues with this cockamamie Common Core Math,” says Sharon Levin, parent, “but I never expected it would affect our Jewish traditions; especially something as simple as counting. At least, I thought it was simple. It’s just really a shame what is happening to the education system in this country. If things don’t change, my children will never be able to count The Omer, count their blessings, or even count chocula. Thanks, Common Core Math. Thanks, Obama! Wait, is that still a thing?”

For those of us who did not grow up with Common Core Math, we can still count The Omer and can expect big blessings this coming Shavuot. As for the rest of you, you will probably still be blessed, but you won’t even see it coming. At least, I wouldn’t count on it.

 

 

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