Rabbi Seth Klayman Admits to Being Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism

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Cary, NC —  In September of last year, we reported that Messianics have been leaving Los Angeles in droves for a new life near Raleigh, North Carolina, and that Congregation Sha’arei Shalom has become a haven for them. More recently we have discovered that it’s not just people moving from LA, but from all over the country, including a surprising number of Rabbi’s kids. Or as we like to call them, “Rabbi’s kids.” Dr. David Matzah, of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute went undercover in Cary to investigate the situation and find out exactly why so many Messianics are making their way to Sha’arei Shalom.

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like this before in my life,” Matzah reported. This is like the Twilight Zone mixed with…I don’t even know. I really don’t even know how to put this into words. This has made me so verklempt, I really just want to use emojis to describe this, but it won’t help anyone, so here goes: Upon coming to Sha’arei of my own will and volition, I befriended Rabbi Seth Klayman, who let me into his world and showed me his underground lair and divulged his secrets with me. Seth told me he quite literally is the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism, as he has a magic flute that was given to him by Rabbi Rich Nichol. When played, the flute can summon Messianics under 35 from all corners of the contiguous 48 states. There is one tune to attract ‘normies’ to the congregation and a second one to summon Rabbi’s kids. Since Seth and his wife are both Rabbi’s kids, he specifically wants to grow his Rabbi’s kid population. He said being able to get Aaron and Heather Kasdan to join the congregation was like hitting the jackpot, since they are also a Rabbi’s kid married couple.

So the next part of this made me even more famisht. We seem to have a bit of a Stepford Wives situation on our hands. Now I don’t mean the murdering part, of course not. But Seth seems to be gathering all these under 35 Messianics and making Robot/Android counterparts of them, who are actually the ones interacting with the rest of the community. Now don’t get me wrong, the original people are being treated completely humanely. Though kept underground, they have adequate food and water, yard time, and even have their own private Yeshualand. They also seem to have no memory of what’s going on and are very happy. Apparently Seth has one of those flashing memory erasers like in the movie Men in Black, and is able to not only wipe their memories, but to create new memories in their place.

Now back to the androids. I asked Seth what his plans are with this robot army he seems to be building and he said that’s exactly it. He can program these androids to do whatever he wants. In this case it’s really about recruitment recruitment recruitment. Seth’s found the best way to grow his congregation is to send his android army to every possible conference to scout out future congregants. He then plays his magic flute and they just up and move to Raleigh. The problem with having humans doing this is 1) They have no incentive to follow directions and 2) The human body cannot withstand the lack of sleep needed to attend so many conferences.

In conclusion, should you meet someone from Congregation Sha’arei Shalom, they are more than likely an android and not a real person. They may look, act, and smell like a person, but they are, in fact an android. Do not be fooled when they tell you their names are Andrew Spadafino or Anna Foltz, because the REAL Andrew Spadafinos and Anna Foltzes of the world are riding roller coasters underground while attending a Roman & Alaina concert.”

At press time, Klayman could not be reached for comment, but he did play us a delightful tune on his flute. Wait. WAIT. WHERE AM I?

 

 

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Rabbi Tim Hyslip Found to Actually Be Superman

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Glendale, AZ – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that Rabbi Tim Hyslip of Congregation Baruch HaShem, near Phoenix, is actually Superman. The study began in December after Rabbi Tim suffered a Level 3 Embolic Stroke in his right frontal lobe and was released from the hospital within four days. This marks the first medical related study from the behavior institute.

“Rabbi Tim’s stroke coordinator referred to him as a ‘walking miracle’ and we can’t exactly argue with her there,” explained Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “For someone barely into their 40s to have a stroke the size of an adult male’s fist and be out of the hospital in less than a handful of days…I mean obviously something is going on here that we can’t see. Other than God performing a modern day miracle, of course. I started to suspect that Rabbi Tim may be Superman when he was released from the hospital. First of all, it’s a well known fact that Superman is Jewish. Second of all, Superman and Rabbi Tim have never been seen in the same room at the same time, so that definitely tipped me off. And third of all, and I cannot stress this enough…’walking miracle’ or hidden super powers? You be the judge. Fortunately for us we were able to get a sample of Rabbi Tim’s blood from the hospital and have run extensive tests, the results of which we have finally received from our friends at the CDC. Normally the CDC would not be helping with something like this, but they were incredibly intrigued. Anyway, Rabbi Tim did, in fact, test positive for a Kryptonite allergy, proving that he is definitely Superman. This may also explain why he insists on changing clothes in phone booths.”

While Rabbi Tim does possess super human recovery powers, unfortunately he and his family of seven do not have super human make-money-appear-out-of-nowhere powers, and still have to figure out how to pay for the medical bills acquired from this already stressful ordeal. Please consider helping them out by donating here: https://www.gofundme.com/timhyslipmedicalfund

 

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Please Help The Meow Get to ARCH

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Hi friends and fans…I’m trying to be able to go to the ARCH Leadership Summit in Orlando next month so that I can make The Meow even better than it already is, but money is tight and I can’t afford a plane ticket. Will you please pray about helping? Every dollar counts…if each of my Facebook followers donated $1 each i’d be able to get there and back almost three times!

Here’s a link to my fundraising page: www.youcaring.com/themessianicmeow-710503

MJAA Found to Consume More Ice Cream Per Capita Than Any Other Religious Organization in the Country

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Grantham, PA – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute suggests that more ice cream is consumed per capita within the community of the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America than any other religious organization in the country. The study took place after a record number of IAMCS Rabbis were found to be searching WebMD for “Cancer caused by brain freeze.”

“Nobody is actually able to pinpoint how this ice cream custom began,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “However, we believe it started with the soft serve machine at Messiah College. The MJAA ice cream consumption was exacerbated by the machine being out of service for years during Messiah Conference, which caused a scarcity effect. Our other theory is because they are so Holy Spirit focused, they may feel that eating ice cream everyday is like a permanent Shavuot. Either way, it appears to be subconscious, as no one can actually explain why they eat so much ice cream.”

The mass ice cream consumption does seem to be confined to members of the MJAA community, as opposed to the entire Messianic community. Whenever the IAMCS/MJAA Rabbis get together they have ice cream socials, contrary to the UMJC Rabbis who smoke cigars at their gatherings. The study also concluded that the Messianics who consume ice cream daily are sadly found to attract more mosquitoes in humid climates, as their blood is made up of 88% sugar.

 

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Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Lack of Sleep and Conference Crushes That Are Just So Wrong For You

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Grantham, PA – The results of a study performed at Messiah Conference this past July on a link between the amount of sleep you get at conferences and the likelihood of a Conference Crush (CC) working out, have finally come in. The experiment was performed on a sampling of 100 youth from the YMJA who volunteered to be hooked up to electrodes throughout the duration of this year’s conference. In addition, they placed a camera in the teepee in front of Larsen, as well as in the covered bridge, to monitor behavior of millennials at the conference.

The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the lack of sleep that is typical of conference goers, and finding a CC that is completely wrong for you. “It’s quite remarkable,” says Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute, an up and coming research facility that studies the odd behavior of Messianics, not common to any other cultures. “Our findings indicated that the less sleep one had during the seven day conference, the more likely they were to be attracted to someone who lives more than 500 miles from them, is already attached to someone else, has an age different of five or more years, or is someone their parents would never approve of. Okay, who’m I kidding? You’re both Messianic, your parents approve. End of story. Those who were able to sleep a typical number of hours per night during the conference, but who stayed up all night during the lock in on the final night of conference were found to develop star crossed CCs just before leaving to go back home. Sadly, we were unable to find anyone who slept during the lock in, but we assume that should someone like that exist, they would be highly unlikely to develop a star crossed CC, and perhaps they may even have someone waiting for them at home, though they are probably unlikely to be able to form human bonds and that would be why they were sleeping through a lock in to begin with.”

The Messianic Behavior Research Institute concludes that getting a good night’s sleep will prevent everyone from marrying the wrong person, just because they’re both Messianic. Upcoming studies that are scheduled include: Why do Messianics blow shofars in July?, Why do Messianics need food at an event in order to attend?, Why don’t Messianics ever agree on anything?, and How’s that rigorous conference schedule working out for you? To volunteer for a study you may visit yeshuaslist.org for more information. If you participate in and complete a study you will be compensated for your time with a restaurant gift card of your choice.

 

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