Guest Post by Anonymous | MJAA Announces New Attempt to Sorta Organize the Teaching Sessions at Messiah 2018

mjaa

Grantham, PA — Fresh off a highly successful Messiah 2017 conference, the MJAA is proud to announce a new structure for the adult morning sessions to take place at Messiah 2018. In addition to being presented in the typical grid format, the classes will now be organized into tracks, to assist attendees in selecting classes best suited to them.

“I’m excited about the new track structure,” said MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman. “It’s difficult for many people to select classes which meet their needs and interests. The message titles are only so useful, even when the speakers stick with their stated topic. But we were discussing the problem in one of our secret leaders’ lunches this year, and we realized that most speakers just do the same thing every year anyway, so why not group them accordingly?”

“Titles are hard,” added Rabbi David Chernoff. “We used to provide summaries in the booklet, but knowing what you want to talk about in advance, choosing a title, describing it…it was an impossible task. My wife, Debbie, has done a ‘For Women Only’ session for years to avoid having to come up with a title, but we can’t all do that. I’ve considered doing a ‘For Cool People Only’ session, but the fundamentals of our faith are probably more important.”

The current plan divides the sessions into three tracks. Fundamentals of Biblical Judaism will be primarily for those new to the conference or seeking to learn more about Messianic Judaism and the MJAA, and will include excellent foundational teachings from Messianic leaders such as Rabbis David Chernoff, Jeff Forman, Charlie Kluge, and Michael Wolf. “I feel that my class on the MJAA’s ministry is very important to provide to the newcomers at Messiah,” said MJAA General Secretary, Joel Chernoff. “Not only do people need to catch the Messianic vision, but they also need to understand precisely how many additional water wells the MJAA has built this past year in Ethiopia and watch a special video of me taking a drink from each one. Seeing me drink from every single well really helps people connect to the ministry.”

The second track will be the Conference Veteran track, aimed at those who have already mastered the FBJ material over several previous years.  Speakers will include Debbie Chernoff, Michael Rydelnik, Rachel Wolf, Jeffrey Seif, and an optional specialization for those who wish to major in Rosenberg.  Like the FBJ track, the classes will be intentionally scheduled to avoid overlaps in the same time slot. “I’ve been making fewer handouts in the past years, since I’m always scheduled at the same time as Debbie Chernoff,” said Dr. Michael Rydelnik. “I’m glad to know we’ll be sparing attendees that difficult decision of choosing between us in the future.”

The final track, titled “Blow A Shofar In Zion,” will be designed for those interested in right-wing politics, unscientific nutritional advice, apocalyptic analysis of regularly occurring phenomena, exhaustive search techniques to dig up any hints of Jewish ancestry, and overly simplistic explanations of prophetic mysteries. The track will also introduce a new class, titled “18 Reasons Why The World Will End In 2018” (which will be updated for Messiah 2019, should the need arise). Blow A Shofar in Zion track participants will also have exclusive access to a Cultural Center showcase exhibiting every product which was ever invented in Israel. Ever.

A fourth track, tentatively titled “Virgin Daughters of Zion,” may be included for those seeking a spouse. It would include classes on developing your “Jew-dar,” the roles of men and women in marriage, and how to convince your significant other to move to your city so that your Rabbi supports the relationship. Additional track-specific activities have been proposed, including singles-only schmooze times (which are not “open to all”), speed “intentional friending,” and opportunities for private consultation with Hope Edelstein.

The MJAA has also announced several new afternoon workshops at Messiah 2018, including Introduction to Interpretive Dance, Overwhelmingly Anointed Prayer, Davidic Harp-Carving (bring your own log), and How to Know You’re Called to Make Aliyah When Your Rabbi Says No.

You can register now for Messiah 2018 at http://mjaa.org/messiah18 to set up a prepayment plan with a 10% discount.  You won’t want to miss this one, just in case the world really does end.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

YMJA Curfew Golem Runs Amok, Causes Chaos At Messiah Conference 2017

Golem Article 2 - Header Image

Grantham, PA – What started as a noble attempt at curbing teenage hooliganism at Messiah Conference quickly spun out of control, deteriorating into a catastrophe of truly massive scope by the end of the week. After three nights of flawless, efficient curfew enforcement, on Wednesday afternoon the YMJA’s experimental new golem suddenly began terrorizing the campus, leaving a trail of minor injuries and major property damage in its wake.

While the investigation into the cause of this debacle is still ongoing, early reports indicate that it began when one or more YMJA leaders decided to expand the golem’s duties, amending its life-giving instruction scroll to include enforcement of all other YMJA rules as well as the curfew. The identities of the leaders in question have so far not been released, but those following the investigation have noted that much of the scrutiny seems to be directed toward newly elected YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, and the now former YMJA Vice President, Danielah Blackburn.

Regardless of the culprits’ identities, what followed is beyond dispute. Upon receiving these new, considerably more complex instructions, the golem promptly went about hunting down and apprehending supposed rule-breakers, many of whom were clearly innocent of the infractions for which they had been targeted. “I just suddenly felt this massive hand on my shoulder,” said Jason Jenkins. “This unimaginably deep voice said, ’No drugs or alcohol,’ and next thing I knew I was being lifted up into the air and carried away. I kept trying to explain that it was only a cough drop, but the golem just wouldn’t listen.”

Jenkins was far from the only attendee to suffer the golem’s undeserved wrath. According to Nick Lewis, a member of the YMJA leadership team, he and his wife had just settled in for the night on Thursday when their dorm room door burst off its hinges. “Before we could even react, it walked over and lifted the entire bed over its head with us in it. It kept screaming ‘Purple!’ over and over again. Purple is YMJA code for someone being in the room of someone of the opposite gender, and apparently the golem didn’t realize that the rule doesn’t apply to married couples sharing a room.”

Even those beyond the purview of the YMJA weren’t safe from the golem’s enforcement, as the crowd in the main auditorium discovered on Wednesday evening. “Rabbi David Chernoff had just started his message when this giant clay monstrosity lumbered onto the stage behind him,” recalled Jonathan Rutter. “It yelled ‘dress code violation’ really loudly, then wrapped the Rabbi in a massive bear hug and dragged him off stage. I heard that when security finally tracked it down, the whole YMJA exec committee was yelling at it that a crooked tallit is not a valid dress code issue.”

The golem’s reign of terror and overly zealous legalism finally came to an end on Friday afternoon when it tried to apprehend a group of children for possession of toy lightsabers, which it deemed a violation of the “no weapons” rule. Upon being grabbed, a young girl named Joelle Hackett became fascinated by the star-shaped clay medallion on the creature’s chest. She pulled it off to investigate it more closely, not even realizing as she did so that it contained the words that gave the thing life. Once the words were removed, the golem immediately became inert, at which point it was a simple matter to smash the thing and burn its instruction scroll. In the end, no trace was left of it but the numerous bruises, smashed door frames, and traumatic memories that it had caused.

While obviously disappointed by the golem’s failure, the YMJA executive team has vowed to continue to perfect the art of rule enforcement in future years. “I seem to remember Rabbi Kevin [Solomon] saying something about training a pack of curfew dogs,” Blackburn was heard saying. “Maybe we should look into that.”

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Messiah Conference to Host First Ever Messianic Friars Roast

joel_liberman

Grantham, PA — The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America announced this week it would begin hosting Friars Roasts at its annual Messiah Conference, which will take place at Messiah College in Grantham, PA next week. Messiah Conference is notorious for showcasing the talents of Messianics, from dancers to musicians to authors, but the one thing that has long been missing from Messianic pop culture is organized comedy, and Messiah Conference has set forth a plan to change that, by publicly making fun of its leaders.

“We’ve finally reached a point in our culture where we feel the Messianic community is ready for organized Messianic humor,” said IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman. “Since all Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians, why not publicly roast each other? We have close to 55,000 people view the livestream of Messiah Conference every year, so this is a great way to unveil Messianic comedy to the world…and it sure beats asking that awful Messianic Meow to speak at Conference.”

The first annual Messianic Leader’s Roast will take place during the plenary session on the final evening of Messiah Conference, just before the Klezmarians perform to close out the conference. MJAA General Secretary and founder of Lamb, Joel Chernoff will be the first ever roastee and we expect to see jokes from such Rabbis as Matt Rosenberg, Joel Liberman, Jonathan Bernis, David Chernoff, and everybody’s favorite prankster, Rabbi Kevin Solomon. If you can’t make it to Messiah Conference this year, you’ll be able to watch all the evening sessions and Saturday morning Torah service at http://messiahconference.org/live/

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Conference Junkies to be Recognized at Summer Conferences with Special Serrated Half Ribbon Underneath Their Name Badges

Conference Enthusiasts Name Badge

Murca — Interesting news from the Greater Messianic Movement this week, as President Bernis announced Conference Junkies will finally get the recognition they crave. Beginning with the inaugural Conference Conference, which takes place this coming weekend, all major Messianic Organizations have agreed to add a special serrated half ribbon underneath the name badges of anyone who has attended four or more Messianic conferences in the last year and a half, that will read “Conference Enthusiast.” This may seem like overkill, but Conference Junkies help make the Movement go ‘round.

“I am so happy that my incessant conference attending is finally going to pay off,” said notorious Conference Junkie, Stephanie Escalante. “Don’t get me wrong, there are many other benefits to attending all these conferences, but it’s about time we get something in return, even if it is just a ribbon underneath my nametag. I will cherish it forever. Plus, I think it’ll give me some street cred with the UMJC Rabbis. I’ve mostly been involved with the MJAA, but I’m the new UMJC Leadership Development Program Manager and I really think having this ribbon on my name badges will make a world of difference for me trying to make a name for myself within the Union.”

The new ribbons will automatically come attached to the name badges of anyone meeting the aforementioned requirements. There is nowhere to sign up for this accolade; we just know who you are. Oh, we know. Everyone knows.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Early Bird Registration Deadline for Messiah Conference 2017 is May 31st, and They Mean it This Time. No, Really; They Do

MessiahCon2017

Springfield, PA – The beginning of Messiah Conference 2017 is now just 41 days away, and early bird registration discount prices are set to end on May 31st. The MJAA has a long history of extending their conference registration deadlines, but this year’s Messiah Conference will be unlike the others, as the MJAA has stated they will not be extending their early bird deadline this year.

“Yes, we are notorious for extending the registration deadline for all of our conferences,” said Conference Services representative, Linda Brown. “We extend the early bird and regular registration deadlines for Messiah Conference, our regional conferences, YMJA retreats, and ARCH Leadership Summit pretty regularly. You could actually set your watch to it. However, this year we have to lay down the law. We raised the price of Messiah Conference this year, and there’s a reason for that. If we could afford to give everyone the ‘early bird’ price up until the day of the conference we would. Somewhere along the way we lost sight of this being about money and now we have to make up for all those deadline extensions we granted. Plus, if we don’t keep people on their toes, they won’t keep coming back. So register by May 31st. Or else.”

You can register for Messiah Conference at www.messiahconference.org The cost is supposedly going to go up by $50 per person if you register after May 31st, but it will probably really be more like June 9th or 10th.

 

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow