Guest Post by Anonymous | Messianic Judaism Sees Major Wave of Circumcision Reversal Surgeries for Gentiles

Circumcision Reversal

Brooklyn, New York’s fastest growing Plastic Surgery practice attributes their intense level of growth to the large number of Brit Milah reversal procedures performed upon Messianic Gentiles who, upon embarking on their journey to follow Messianic Judaism with full commitment of heart, “committing their life and limb,” so to speak, were circumcised. Peter Tipoff, a former Baptist, who while searching Scriptures and was stunned to find out Yeshua (Jesus) was Jewish, was led to search for Jewish people who believed in Yeshua. His search led him to a Messianic Synagogue in a major Northeast city and he started attending services regularly. When interviewed, Tipoff said, “I felt so at home and such a part of the family, I began first to use Hebrew terms, then advanced to wearing a kippah and tallit in synagogue. After a while I started to wear tzitzit on my belt loops. From there I felt it was time that I ‘went all in’ and had a Brit Milah.” It was only after further investigating that Tipoff found that the Scriptures do not require Gentiles to fulfill the mitzvah of circumcision.

Plastic Surgeon, Doctor T. Ikun, stated, “I never expected to see so many Gentile men who loved God so much they were willing to suffer so much to feel like part of the family.” He also added, “I never imagined that almost half of my practice would involve this kind of restoration surgery.”

A local Messianic Rabbi, who asked not to be identified, shared with us, “Messianic Judaism’s attraction to people of the Nations grew so quickly that we were somewhat unprepared for the sudden growth and were a little behind in trying to nip this in the bud. But we think we are making progress in teaching and hope to see a marked decline in the need for reversal surgeries.”

It is our hope Doctor T. Ikun’s practice can return shortly to primarily working on nose jobs.

 

 

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Conference Junkies to be Recognized at Summer Conferences with Special Serrated Half Ribbon Underneath Their Name Badges

Conference Enthusiasts Name Badge

Murca — Interesting news from the Greater Messianic Movement this week, as President Bernis announced Conference Junkies will finally get the recognition they crave. Beginning with the inaugural Conference Conference, which takes place this coming weekend, all major Messianic Organizations have agreed to add a special serrated half ribbon underneath the name badges of anyone who has attended four or more Messianic conferences in the last year and a half, that will read “Conference Enthusiast.” This may seem like overkill, but Conference Junkies help make the Movement go ‘round.

“I am so happy that my incessant conference attending is finally going to pay off,” said notorious Conference Junkie, Stephanie Escalante. “Don’t get me wrong, there are many other benefits to attending all these conferences, but it’s about time we get something in return, even if it is just a ribbon underneath my nametag. I will cherish it forever. Plus, I think it’ll give me some street cred with the UMJC Rabbis. I’ve mostly been involved with the MJAA, but I’m the new UMJC Leadership Development Program Manager and I really think having this ribbon on my name badges will make a world of difference for me trying to make a name for myself within the Union.”

The new ribbons will automatically come attached to the name badges of anyone meeting the aforementioned requirements. There is nowhere to sign up for this accolade; we just know who you are. Oh, we know. Everyone knows.

 

 

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Introvert Deliberately Gives Her Cold to Anyone Who Shakes Her Hand During Congregational Greeting Time

Introvert

Richmond, VA – 28 year old Rachel Cantor is over it. She really just is. Cantor is Messianic, but she is also an introvert. An introvert who loves Yeshua, but an introvert no less. Cantor has no control over the mandatory greeting time that Tikvat Israel Messianic Synagogue in Richmond, VA has established during their Saturday morning Torah service, but she says there is no way around this without missing the actual service. Cantor is so committed to attending 100% of every service, that she has even known to show up when she is ill.

“Look, it’s not my fault the old Jews in my congregation can’t keep their hands to themselves,” Cantor wrote in her blog. “I try to slump down in my seat so people know not to acknowledge me, but it doesn’t work. I just want to keep to myself, but these people insist on not only trying to make small talk with me during the two minutes of greeting time (that feel like an hour when you’re in introvert), but they have to shake my hand or touch my shoulder too. So maybe I had a cold this weekend. And then maybe I licked my hand, knowing they would all feel a burning desire to touch it. I can neither confirm nor deny intentionally getting them all sick. But if I had, they certainly deserved it. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. No, Seriously. Just keep your hands to yourself. I really don’t get it. And I’m over it. So over it.”

In a modern day tale of introvert induced chemical warfare, 15 congregants mysteriously came down with a cold after the aforementioned Shabbat service. Will they learn their lesson? It is more than likely that they not only did not learn their lessons, but may walk around with their used kleenex in their hands as they touch as many people as possible, spreading the germs even further. This behavior sickens us.

 

 

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Messianic Band How to Fly Changes Name to ‘How to Fly to the Moon,’ in Anticipation of Forthcoming Messianic Moon Colony

How to Fly

Atlanta, GA – Indie Messianic band, How to Fly, announced this week they would be changing their name to “How to Fly to the Moon,” in anticipation of the forthcoming Messianic Moon colony that was announced last September. Since the idea of the colony was unleashed to everyone, people all over the movement are working to prepare for the big move, and How to Fly is not going to be caught twiddling their thumbs when it happens.

“We love the idea of all Messianics living together in one place, even if we have to leave the planet to do so,” said How to Fly lead singer and guitarist, Isaac Faraco. “Though, if you ask me, some Messianics have already left the planet, you know what I’m saying? Just kidding. But in all seriousness, we would love it if President Bernis would choose us to be the official band of the Moon colony, which is why we’re changing our name to ‘How to Fly to the Moon.’ Because we’re going to fly to The Moon, get it? There are many Messianic bands and recording artists, but we will be the only ones with ‘Moon’ in our name. Please, God, don’t let Nate Benjamin change his name to ‘Nate Benjamoon.’ Anyway, we can’t wait for this colony that is gonna be out of this world!”

While most are excited about the name change, others wonder if How to Fly to the Moon intentionally announced it to coincide with the release of their new single, Kaleidoscope, that you can find on iTunes. To listen to more of How to Fly to the Moon’s music, visit www.howtoflymusic.com

 

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Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

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Prime Rabbinical Candidate Drops Out of Messianic Yeshiva Over Fear of Being “Meowed”

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Murca — Disturbing news this week as the UMJC’s first round draft pick, Adam Goldensilver, has left the online Rabbinical program at the Messianic Jewish Theological Institute. The news comes as an incredible shock, as Goldensilver was just three credit hours shy of completing the program, which would give him the requirements needed to be eligible to be ordained as a UMJC Rabbi. Sadly, nothing in this life is certain, and coming this far in the program, is clearly not enough to keep the commitment to being a Rabbi.

“When I first entered the Rabbinical program, there was no organized humor in Messianic Judaism,” Adam Goldensilver wrote, in a heartfelt apology letter, to the UMJC. “This thing [The Messianic Meow] came out of nowhere. They are writing about everyone and everything Messianic. They really are leaving no stone unturned. I am a human being and I take myself very seriously. I do not want to be satirized. I did not sign up for this; I signed up to serve in a humorless Messianic Judaism. It’s changing before my eyes and I just can’t. I can’t. I’m so very sorry, but I can’t do this.”

We’ve also received word that Goldensilver appears to have fled the country and left no trace behind. We wish Adam luck and hope that wherever he winds up, he finds a sense of humor.

 

 

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