Guest Post by Anonymous | MJAA Announces New Attempt to Sorta Organize the Teaching Sessions at Messiah 2018

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Grantham, PA — Fresh off a highly successful Messiah 2017 conference, the MJAA is proud to announce a new structure for the adult morning sessions to take place at Messiah 2018. In addition to being presented in the typical grid format, the classes will now be organized into tracks, to assist attendees in selecting classes best suited to them.

“I’m excited about the new track structure,” said MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman. “It’s difficult for many people to select classes which meet their needs and interests. The message titles are only so useful, even when the speakers stick with their stated topic. But we were discussing the problem in one of our secret leaders’ lunches this year, and we realized that most speakers just do the same thing every year anyway, so why not group them accordingly?”

“Titles are hard,” added Rabbi David Chernoff. “We used to provide summaries in the booklet, but knowing what you want to talk about in advance, choosing a title, describing it…it was an impossible task. My wife, Debbie, has done a ‘For Women Only’ session for years to avoid having to come up with a title, but we can’t all do that. I’ve considered doing a ‘For Cool People Only’ session, but the fundamentals of our faith are probably more important.”

The current plan divides the sessions into three tracks. Fundamentals of Biblical Judaism will be primarily for those new to the conference or seeking to learn more about Messianic Judaism and the MJAA, and will include excellent foundational teachings from Messianic leaders such as Rabbis David Chernoff, Jeff Forman, Charlie Kluge, and Michael Wolf. “I feel that my class on the MJAA’s ministry is very important to provide to the newcomers at Messiah,” said MJAA General Secretary, Joel Chernoff. “Not only do people need to catch the Messianic vision, but they also need to understand precisely how many additional water wells the MJAA has built this past year in Ethiopia and watch a special video of me taking a drink from each one. Seeing me drink from every single well really helps people connect to the ministry.”

The second track will be the Conference Veteran track, aimed at those who have already mastered the FBJ material over several previous years.  Speakers will include Debbie Chernoff, Michael Rydelnik, Rachel Wolf, Jeffrey Seif, and an optional specialization for those who wish to major in Rosenberg.  Like the FBJ track, the classes will be intentionally scheduled to avoid overlaps in the same time slot. “I’ve been making fewer handouts in the past years, since I’m always scheduled at the same time as Debbie Chernoff,” said Dr. Michael Rydelnik. “I’m glad to know we’ll be sparing attendees that difficult decision of choosing between us in the future.”

The final track, titled “Blow A Shofar In Zion,” will be designed for those interested in right-wing politics, unscientific nutritional advice, apocalyptic analysis of regularly occurring phenomena, exhaustive search techniques to dig up any hints of Jewish ancestry, and overly simplistic explanations of prophetic mysteries. The track will also introduce a new class, titled “18 Reasons Why The World Will End In 2018” (which will be updated for Messiah 2019, should the need arise). Blow A Shofar in Zion track participants will also have exclusive access to a Cultural Center showcase exhibiting every product which was ever invented in Israel. Ever.

A fourth track, tentatively titled “Virgin Daughters of Zion,” may be included for those seeking a spouse. It would include classes on developing your “Jew-dar,” the roles of men and women in marriage, and how to convince your significant other to move to your city so that your Rabbi supports the relationship. Additional track-specific activities have been proposed, including singles-only schmooze times (which are not “open to all”), speed “intentional friending,” and opportunities for private consultation with Hope Edelstein.

The MJAA has also announced several new afternoon workshops at Messiah 2018, including Introduction to Interpretive Dance, Overwhelmingly Anointed Prayer, Davidic Harp-Carving (bring your own log), and How to Know You’re Called to Make Aliyah When Your Rabbi Says No.

You can register now for Messiah 2018 at http://mjaa.org/messiah18 to set up a prepayment plan with a 10% discount.  You won’t want to miss this one, just in case the world really does end.

 

 

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YMJA Curfew Golem Runs Amok, Causes Chaos At Messiah Conference 2017

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Grantham, PA – What started as a noble attempt at curbing teenage hooliganism at Messiah Conference quickly spun out of control, deteriorating into a catastrophe of truly massive scope by the end of the week. After three nights of flawless, efficient curfew enforcement, on Wednesday afternoon the YMJA’s experimental new golem suddenly began terrorizing the campus, leaving a trail of minor injuries and major property damage in its wake.

While the investigation into the cause of this debacle is still ongoing, early reports indicate that it began when one or more YMJA leaders decided to expand the golem’s duties, amending its life-giving instruction scroll to include enforcement of all other YMJA rules as well as the curfew. The identities of the leaders in question have so far not been released, but those following the investigation have noted that much of the scrutiny seems to be directed toward newly elected YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, and the now former YMJA Vice President, Danielah Blackburn.

Regardless of the culprits’ identities, what followed is beyond dispute. Upon receiving these new, considerably more complex instructions, the golem promptly went about hunting down and apprehending supposed rule-breakers, many of whom were clearly innocent of the infractions for which they had been targeted. “I just suddenly felt this massive hand on my shoulder,” said Jason Jenkins. “This unimaginably deep voice said, ’No drugs or alcohol,’ and next thing I knew I was being lifted up into the air and carried away. I kept trying to explain that it was only a cough drop, but the golem just wouldn’t listen.”

Jenkins was far from the only attendee to suffer the golem’s undeserved wrath. According to Nick Lewis, a member of the YMJA leadership team, he and his wife had just settled in for the night on Thursday when their dorm room door burst off its hinges. “Before we could even react, it walked over and lifted the entire bed over its head with us in it. It kept screaming ‘Purple!’ over and over again. Purple is YMJA code for someone being in the room of someone of the opposite gender, and apparently the golem didn’t realize that the rule doesn’t apply to married couples sharing a room.”

Even those beyond the purview of the YMJA weren’t safe from the golem’s enforcement, as the crowd in the main auditorium discovered on Wednesday evening. “Rabbi David Chernoff had just started his message when this giant clay monstrosity lumbered onto the stage behind him,” recalled Jonathan Rutter. “It yelled ‘dress code violation’ really loudly, then wrapped the Rabbi in a massive bear hug and dragged him off stage. I heard that when security finally tracked it down, the whole YMJA exec committee was yelling at it that a crooked tallit is not a valid dress code issue.”

The golem’s reign of terror and overly zealous legalism finally came to an end on Friday afternoon when it tried to apprehend a group of children for possession of toy lightsabers, which it deemed a violation of the “no weapons” rule. Upon being grabbed, a young girl named Joelle Hackett became fascinated by the star-shaped clay medallion on the creature’s chest. She pulled it off to investigate it more closely, not even realizing as she did so that it contained the words that gave the thing life. Once the words were removed, the golem immediately became inert, at which point it was a simple matter to smash the thing and burn its instruction scroll. In the end, no trace was left of it but the numerous bruises, smashed door frames, and traumatic memories that it had caused.

While obviously disappointed by the golem’s failure, the YMJA executive team has vowed to continue to perfect the art of rule enforcement in future years. “I seem to remember Rabbi Kevin [Solomon] saying something about training a pack of curfew dogs,” Blackburn was heard saying. “Maybe we should look into that.”

 

 

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Rebecca Rudolf to be Abducted by Aliens Live On Stage at Messiah Conference

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Grantham, PA — Every annual conference has their yearly traditions, something you can always look forward to seeing or doing every time you go, and Messiah Conference is no exception. One of those traditions is a modern dance performed by Rebecca Rudolf, who incorporates choreography and special effects, typically using green screen animation. This year, Rebecca will venture to do something never been done before, as she is abducted by aliens live on stage.

“I knew, after my epic dance, ‘Flashlight,’ last year, that I was going to have to pull out all the stops this year, if I want to top that,” Rudolf stated, in an exclusive interview. “I normally use green screen for the special effects, but this year I actually found a spaceship of friendly aliens that agreed to fly into the auditorium and beam me up into the ship, live on stage. It’s definitely going to be one of the highlights of Messiah 2017. Also, please don’t publish this until after Conference is over. I want it to be a surprise.”

Rudolf’s 2017 dance is so under wraps, we weren’t even able to find out which night she will be performing. If you aren’t going to Messiah Conference, you can join 55,000 others who watch the livestream to see the performance of a lifetime, as well as all of the evening sessions and Saturday morning Torah service. Just visit http://messiahconference.org/live/. And don’t worry if you’re not able to watch live; all the videos will be available online the following day.

 

 

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UMJC Executive Committee Rules Seth Klayman Allowed to Play Flute in Rabbis’ Band at Upcoming National Conference

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Los Angeles, CA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations is preparing for their annual conference, which will take place July 12th-15th near Chicago. One of their traditions is having a band, that consists entirely of UMJC Rabbis, play at the conference. However, after Rabbi Seth Klayman was ousted as the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism just a few weeks ago, a petition went around to prevent Klayman from being able to play his magical brainwashing flute as part of the UMJC Conference Rabbis’ band. After careful consideration, the UMJC Executive Committee has ruled that Rabbi Seth will be allowed to play his flute at the conference after all.

“Once the petition started going around to stop Rabbi Seth Klayman from playing in the Rabbis’ Band at the Union Conference, we knew we had to have a teleconference about this,” UMJC Vice President, Rabbi Dr. John Fischer explained, in a statement released by the UMJC. “We heard a very convincing argument presented to us by UMJC Secretary…Rabbi Seth Klayman, which he opted to play for us on his flute, rather than use his words. The committee unanimously agreed to allow Seth to play in the band, as well as donate $50,000 to his congregation. I am also now considering leaving my own congregation to move to Raleigh. I don’t know what just happened, I just know that I heard some beautiful flute music and I can’t wait to hear more at the Conference.”

You can hear Rabbi Seth and the rest of the Rabbis’ Band at the upcoming UMJC Conference in Skokie, IL. To register for the conference, visit www.eventbrite.com/e/union-conference-chicago-2017-tickets-32168486810

 

 

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Messiah Conference to Host First Ever Messianic Friars Roast

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Grantham, PA — The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America announced this week it would begin hosting Friars Roasts at its annual Messiah Conference, which will take place at Messiah College in Grantham, PA next week. Messiah Conference is notorious for showcasing the talents of Messianics, from dancers to musicians to authors, but the one thing that has long been missing from Messianic pop culture is organized comedy, and Messiah Conference has set forth a plan to change that, by publicly making fun of its leaders.

“We’ve finally reached a point in our culture where we feel the Messianic community is ready for organized Messianic humor,” said IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman. “Since all Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians, why not publicly roast each other? We have close to 55,000 people view the livestream of Messiah Conference every year, so this is a great way to unveil Messianic comedy to the world…and it sure beats asking that awful Messianic Meow to speak at Conference.”

The first annual Messianic Leader’s Roast will take place during the plenary session on the final evening of Messiah Conference, just before the Klezmarians perform to close out the conference. MJAA General Secretary and founder of Lamb, Joel Chernoff will be the first ever roastee and we expect to see jokes from such Rabbis as Matt Rosenberg, Joel Liberman, Jonathan Bernis, David Chernoff, and everybody’s favorite prankster, Rabbi Kevin Solomon. If you can’t make it to Messiah Conference this year, you’ll be able to watch all the evening sessions and Saturday morning Torah service at http://messiahconference.org/live/

 

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Matt Rosenberg | Messianic Rabbi Starts GoFundMe Page for Beard Oil

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A fantastic beard and great beard maintenance are an expectation that most people have for a Rabbi. Great beard maintenance means using lots of beard oil. It is believed to also be a throwback to the days of the High Priest, Aaron, who poured manly scented oil all over his beard. It is rumored that his beard actually built the Golden Calf from residue alone.

Recently, when Messianic Rabbi Shmuel Goldenfarb ran out of beard oil, he said to his wife, “I need more beard oil or people will leave our Synagogue and stop tithing.” His wife responded, “We can only afford one bottle of beard oil a year; that stuff is expensive.” That’s when Goldenfarb had an idea! He could raise the money on the interwebs! Of course not knowing how to use a computer, he called his Grandson, who quickly set up a GoFundMe for a year’s supply of beard oil.

Beard oil was much cheaper back in the day, but with the rise of Evangelical Hipster Pastors and their attempt to look like a cooler version of their favorite reformation preacher, the price has sky rocketed! At press time, Goldenfarb has raised eighteen cents towards his $150 goal. Turns out the eighteen cents was a mistake, when a Bubbe in Michigan meant to give eighteen cents to her grandson’s college fund because the number 18 represents “life.”

Goldenfarb noted that with all of the expectations that congregants put on a Messianic Rabbi, having to worry about how to afford beard oil should not be one them. You can help today and maybe even consider donating a bottle of beard oil to your Rabbi this coming Rosh Hashanah. Don’t worry, he won’t dip apples in it.

 

 

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