UMJC Executive Committee Rules Seth Klayman Allowed to Play Flute in Rabbis’ Band at Upcoming National Conference

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Los Angeles, CA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations is preparing for their annual conference, which will take place July 12th-15th near Chicago. One of their traditions is having a band, that consists entirely of UMJC Rabbis, play at the conference. However, after Rabbi Seth Klayman was ousted as the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism just a few weeks ago, a petition went around to prevent Klayman from being able to play his magical brainwashing flute as part of the UMJC Conference Rabbis’ band. After careful consideration, the UMJC Executive Committee has ruled that Rabbi Seth will be allowed to play his flute at the conference after all.

“Once the petition started going around to stop Rabbi Seth Klayman from playing in the Rabbis’ Band at the Union Conference, we knew we had to have a teleconference about this,” UMJC Vice President, Rabbi Dr. John Fischer explained, in a statement released by the UMJC. “We heard a very convincing argument presented to us by UMJC Secretary…Rabbi Seth Klayman, which he opted to play for us on his flute, rather than use his words. The committee unanimously agreed to allow Seth to play in the band, as well as donate $50,000 to his congregation. I am also now considering leaving my own congregation to move to Raleigh. I don’t know what just happened, I just know that I heard some beautiful flute music and I can’t wait to hear more at the Conference.”

You can hear Rabbi Seth and the rest of the Rabbis’ Band at the upcoming UMJC Conference in Skokie, IL. To register for the conference, visit www.eventbrite.com/e/union-conference-chicago-2017-tickets-32168486810

 

 

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Jews for Jesus’ Secret Past and the Real Reason They Don’t Want You to Refer to the San Francisco Hospitality House as ‘the Ho House’

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San Francisco, CA — Jewish Ministry organization, Jews for Jesus, has branches in various cities across the world and many of those locations have housing for their missionaries and out of town guests. Headquarter city, San Francisco, has the most notorious housing situation. Their Hospitality House has come to be known as ‘the Ho House,’ but Jews for Jesus wants everyone to stop calling it that, and you’ll never believe why.

We all know who founded Jews for Jesus, but is there someone missing from the story? The answer may surprise you. An anonymous JFJ missionary, who asked to just be referred to as “Streetlight,” confirmed that there was, in fact, another person involved that has intentionally been left out of the story.

The missing person, Jacob Hookman, was instrumental in the birth of Jews For Jesus, but would later be the first person to betray JFJ and their mission. Hookman had an intense vision for sailing the seas and ministering to Jews who were displaced on various islands throughout the world’s oceans. Hookman learned to sail so he could take his mission of ministering to Jews to the seas. He joined the Navy and quickly worked his way up the ranks to Captain. After leaving the Navy on an honorable discharge, Hookman changed his name to a less Jewish sounding name of James Hook, to make himself less obvious to any anti-Semites he might encounter during his travels. Captain James Hook left San Francisco on his boat, the Jolly Roger, promising Jews for Jesus he would bring back the donations he was gifted from church presentations.

Sadly, Captain Hook drank too much sea water and lost his mind and his way. Instead of ministering to Jews and singing Jesus loving Jewish folk music at churches, Captain Hook disappeared, sending only a letter to Moishe Rosen stating that he had become a pirate on some unknown island and was enjoying terrorizing little orphan boys and Indians and that he would not be returning.

Captain Hook did return to San Francisco one last time, however. His crew was obnoxious, and their “Land, ho!” exclamation upon arriving in San Francisco was so loud it could be heard from miles away. In true pirate fashion, Hook did, unfortunately, wind up stealing every penny he could find from Jews for Jesus, never to be seen or heard from again.

So, you see, kids, when you refer to the Hospitality House as ‘the Ho House,’ it reminds everyone of Captain Hook’s chant of ‘Land, Ho,’ and subsequent betrayal. The painful memories are too much for everyone to endure, so just stop calling it that, okay? Just stop.

 

 

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Messianic Band How to Fly Changes Name to ‘How to Fly to the Moon,’ in Anticipation of Forthcoming Messianic Moon Colony

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Atlanta, GA – Indie Messianic band, How to Fly, announced this week they would be changing their name to “How to Fly to the Moon,” in anticipation of the forthcoming Messianic Moon colony that was announced last September. Since the idea of the colony was unleashed to everyone, people all over the movement are working to prepare for the big move, and How to Fly is not going to be caught twiddling their thumbs when it happens.

“We love the idea of all Messianics living together in one place, even if we have to leave the planet to do so,” said How to Fly lead singer and guitarist, Isaac Faraco. “Though, if you ask me, some Messianics have already left the planet, you know what I’m saying? Just kidding. But in all seriousness, we would love it if President Bernis would choose us to be the official band of the Moon colony, which is why we’re changing our name to ‘How to Fly to the Moon.’ Because we’re going to fly to The Moon, get it? There are many Messianic bands and recording artists, but we will be the only ones with ‘Moon’ in our name. Please, God, don’t let Nate Benjamin change his name to ‘Nate Benjamoon.’ Anyway, we can’t wait for this colony that is gonna be out of this world!”

While most are excited about the name change, others wonder if How to Fly to the Moon intentionally announced it to coincide with the release of their new single, Kaleidoscope, that you can find on iTunes. To listen to more of How to Fly to the Moon’s music, visit www.howtoflymusic.com

 

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Rabbi Seth Klayman Admits to Being Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism

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Cary, NC —  In September of last year, we reported that Messianics have been leaving Los Angeles in droves for a new life near Raleigh, North Carolina, and that Congregation Sha’arei Shalom has become a haven for them. More recently we have discovered that it’s not just people moving from LA, but from all over the country, including a surprising number of Rabbi’s kids. Or as we like to call them, “Rabbi’s kids.” Dr. David Matzah, of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute went undercover in Cary to investigate the situation and find out exactly why so many Messianics are making their way to Sha’arei Shalom.

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like this before in my life,” Matzah reported. This is like the Twilight Zone mixed with…I don’t even know. I really don’t even know how to put this into words. This has made me so verklempt, I really just want to use emojis to describe this, but it won’t help anyone, so here goes: Upon coming to Sha’arei of my own will and volition, I befriended Rabbi Seth Klayman, who let me into his world and showed me his underground lair and divulged his secrets with me. Seth told me he quite literally is the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism, as he has a magic flute that was given to him by Rabbi Rich Nichol. When played, the flute can summon Messianics under 35 from all corners of the contiguous 48 states. There is one tune to attract ‘normies’ to the congregation and a second one to summon Rabbi’s kids. Since Seth and his wife are both Rabbi’s kids, he specifically wants to grow his Rabbi’s kid population. He said being able to get Aaron and Heather Kasdan to join the congregation was like hitting the jackpot, since they are also a Rabbi’s kid married couple.

So the next part of this made me even more famisht. We seem to have a bit of a Stepford Wives situation on our hands. Now I don’t mean the murdering part, of course not. But Seth seems to be gathering all these under 35 Messianics and making Robot/Android counterparts of them, who are actually the ones interacting with the rest of the community. Now don’t get me wrong, the original people are being treated completely humanely. Though kept underground, they have adequate food and water, yard time, and even have their own private Yeshualand. They also seem to have no memory of what’s going on and are very happy. Apparently Seth has one of those flashing memory erasers like in the movie Men in Black, and is able to not only wipe their memories, but to create new memories in their place.

Now back to the androids. I asked Seth what his plans are with this robot army he seems to be building and he said that’s exactly it. He can program these androids to do whatever he wants. In this case it’s really about recruitment recruitment recruitment. Seth’s found the best way to grow his congregation is to send his android army to every possible conference to scout out future congregants. He then plays his magic flute and they just up and move to Raleigh. The problem with having humans doing this is 1) They have no incentive to follow directions and 2) The human body cannot withstand the lack of sleep needed to attend so many conferences.

In conclusion, should you meet someone from Congregation Sha’arei Shalom, they are more than likely an android and not a real person. They may look, act, and smell like a person, but they are, in fact an android. Do not be fooled when they tell you their names are Andrew Spadafino or Anna Foltz, because the REAL Andrew Spadafinos and Anna Foltzes of the world are riding roller coasters underground while attending a Roman & Alaina concert.”

At press time, Klayman could not be reached for comment, but he did play us a delightful tune on his flute. Wait. WAIT. WHERE AM I?

 

 

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YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to April the Giraffe

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Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the April the Giraffe, who was mercilessly slaughtered over the weekend, simply because giraffes are biblically Kosher, but are not readily available as food. The video will be a sequel to the still yet to be released tribute to Harambe, that was supposed to have been released five months ago.

“We filmed the Harambe video in January at the ARCH Leadership Summit, but my laptop has been broken literally for forever,” said YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg, who is in charge of making both the April and Harambe tribute videos. “I could let someone else edit the videos, but I like to keep my commitments. Besides, I’m Jewish, aren’t I supposed to be late with everything?? I don’t think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew; I feel very optimistic that I will be able to release both videos in time for the 10th anniversary of their deaths!”

The videos will be released on YouTube and Facebook as soon as they are ready. Goldberg says both videos will include the same footage, and mostly the same song lyrics, just to save time. Keep your eyes peeled; the videos will be posted on The Messianic Meow Facebook page as soon as they are finished.

 

 

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Chicago Messianic Community Finally Discovers Ted Pearce Has More Than One Song

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Chicago, IL – A recent meeting of the Harvest Committee, the Chicago Messianic leaders’ networking and prayer group, turned into a heated debate over worship song choices, after it was accidentally discovered that Messianic recoding artist, Ted Pearce, actually has more songs than just “Hallelu Et Adonai.” The gathering went south when someone pulled up “Hallelu Et Adonai” on YouTube and another one of Ted Pearce’s songs, “Clean Water” popped up as the next song on the queue.

“Sometimes YouTube has a mind of its own,” said an anonymous representative of the Harvest Committee. “I’m more than a little embarrassed to say that we all thought Ted Pearce only had one song. A great song though. So great. So so great. We knew he has released albums, but we legitimately thought they were just Hallelu Et Adonai over and over and over again and we wanted to honor that. I feel our Chicago congregations have all done an incredible job beating that amazing song to death, and I commend them for it. But now that we have discovered that Ted Pearce has other songs, like “Adonai Machaseinu,” “Who Has Ascended?,” “Arise,” “Congregation of the Righteous,” “Hinei Go’alaeinu Chai,” and “Open the Gates,” we must start playing these songs, as well, to round out our worship experiences. We have asked that all our Chicago congregations expand their Ted Pearce repertoire during worship and give Hallelu Et Adonai a little breather. Hallelu Et Adonai has served us well over the years, but it’s time to give exposure to Mr. Pearce’s other songs too.”

In addition to Hallelu Et Adonai, Ted Pearce has many other great songs as well. You may listen to them here. We highly recommend adding these songs to your worship team’s repertoire.

 

 

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