Conference Junkies to be Recognized at Summer Conferences with Special Serrated Half Ribbon Underneath Their Name Badges

Conference Enthusiasts Name Badge

Murca — Interesting news from the Greater Messianic Movement this week, as President Bernis announced Conference Junkies will finally get the recognition they crave. Beginning with the inaugural Conference Conference, which takes place this coming weekend, all major Messianic Organizations have agreed to add a special serrated half ribbon underneath the name badges of anyone who has attended four or more Messianic conferences in the last year and a half, that will read “Conference Enthusiast.” This may seem like overkill, but Conference Junkies help make the Movement go ‘round.

“I am so happy that my incessant conference attending is finally going to pay off,” said notorious Conference Junkie, Stephanie Escalante. “Don’t get me wrong, there are many other benefits to attending all these conferences, but it’s about time we get something in return, even if it is just a ribbon underneath my nametag. I will cherish it forever. Plus, I think it’ll give me some street cred with the UMJC Rabbis. I’ve mostly been involved with the MJAA, but I’m the new UMJC Leadership Development Program Manager and I really think having this ribbon on my name badges will make a world of difference for me trying to make a name for myself within the Union.”

The new ribbons will automatically come attached to the name badges of anyone meeting the aforementioned requirements. There is nowhere to sign up for this accolade; we just know who you are. Oh, we know. Everyone knows.

 

 

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Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

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Rabbi Seth Klayman Admits to Being Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism

SethKlayman

Cary, NC —  In September of last year, we reported that Messianics have been leaving Los Angeles in droves for a new life near Raleigh, North Carolina, and that Congregation Sha’arei Shalom has become a haven for them. More recently we have discovered that it’s not just people moving from LA, but from all over the country, including a surprising number of Rabbi’s kids. Or as we like to call them, “Rabbi’s kids.” Dr. David Matzah, of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute went undercover in Cary to investigate the situation and find out exactly why so many Messianics are making their way to Sha’arei Shalom.

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like this before in my life,” Matzah reported. This is like the Twilight Zone mixed with…I don’t even know. I really don’t even know how to put this into words. This has made me so verklempt, I really just want to use emojis to describe this, but it won’t help anyone, so here goes: Upon coming to Sha’arei of my own will and volition, I befriended Rabbi Seth Klayman, who let me into his world and showed me his underground lair and divulged his secrets with me. Seth told me he quite literally is the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism, as he has a magic flute that was given to him by Rabbi Rich Nichol. When played, the flute can summon Messianics under 35 from all corners of the contiguous 48 states. There is one tune to attract ‘normies’ to the congregation and a second one to summon Rabbi’s kids. Since Seth and his wife are both Rabbi’s kids, he specifically wants to grow his Rabbi’s kid population. He said being able to get Aaron and Heather Kasdan to join the congregation was like hitting the jackpot, since they are also a Rabbi’s kid married couple.

So the next part of this made me even more famisht. We seem to have a bit of a Stepford Wives situation on our hands. Now I don’t mean the murdering part, of course not. But Seth seems to be gathering all these under 35 Messianics and making Robot/Android counterparts of them, who are actually the ones interacting with the rest of the community. Now don’t get me wrong, the original people are being treated completely humanely. Though kept underground, they have adequate food and water, yard time, and even have their own private Yeshualand. They also seem to have no memory of what’s going on and are very happy. Apparently Seth has one of those flashing memory erasers like in the movie Men in Black, and is able to not only wipe their memories, but to create new memories in their place.

Now back to the androids. I asked Seth what his plans are with this robot army he seems to be building and he said that’s exactly it. He can program these androids to do whatever he wants. In this case it’s really about recruitment recruitment recruitment. Seth’s found the best way to grow his congregation is to send his android army to every possible conference to scout out future congregants. He then plays his magic flute and they just up and move to Raleigh. The problem with having humans doing this is 1) They have no incentive to follow directions and 2) The human body cannot withstand the lack of sleep needed to attend so many conferences.

In conclusion, should you meet someone from Congregation Sha’arei Shalom, they are more than likely an android and not a real person. They may look, act, and smell like a person, but they are, in fact an android. Do not be fooled when they tell you their names are Andrew Spadafino or Anna Foltz, because the REAL Andrew Spadafinos and Anna Foltzes of the world are riding roller coasters underground while attending a Roman & Alaina concert.”

At press time, Klayman could not be reached for comment, but he did play us a delightful tune on his flute. Wait. WAIT. WHERE AM I?

 

 

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Apple Releases Portable Electronic Sidewalk Inspired by Rabbi Michael Stepakoff’s New Book “The iPath”

iPath

Cupertino, CA — Apple Inc released a portable electronic moving sidewalk this week; the first of its kind on the market. The new “iPath,” can be carried in your pocket and expand to become a waterproof moving sidewalk. The iPath can be placed on both flat and uneven surfaces, including wet, frozen, or muddy terrains. In addition, the iPath can also act as a bridge over potholes, gaping crevices, and troubled water. The iPath comes in three sizes: six feet, eight feet, and 10 feet, and is available in two sleek colors: silver and metallic. The portable sidewalk borrows its name from the newest book by Messianic Rabbi Michael Stepakoff.

“I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t read the book, but the name is absolutely amazing,” Apple CEO, Tim Cook, said in a recent press conference. “I knew we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to create a product with the same name. I am pleased to announce we now have portable moving sidewalks available to the public. Have you ever been at the airport and just wanted to ride their moving sidewalks all day long? Well, now you can enjoy the magic of these in your own backyard! The iPath folds up to two inches and expands up to 10 feet long, depending on which model you purchase. We’re just trying to do our part to keep Americans lazy and I think we are succeeding! Also, I heard the book is pretty good too, so you should all probably read that. And so should I.”

The release of the Apple iPath comes just after the announcement of the Amazon Echo rival, the Apple HomePod, bringing up speculation that the iPath will be able to connect with the forthcoming HomePod to control the speed of the sidewalk. The iPath sidewalk is available now in your local Apple stores and you may purchase The iPath book by Rabbi Michael Stepakoff at https://smile.amazon.com/iPath-Became-Conscious-Invisible-World/dp/1544695721

 

 

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MJAA Announces Temporary Ban On New Rabbis Named David and Michael

DavidtheGnome

Springfield, PA – In a landmark press conference this week, MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, has announced a sweeping legal change within the Alliance. The new rule, passed unanimously by the board, will bar men named either David or Michael from seeking Rabbinic ordination through the organization. The ban will last for a period of six months, but includes a provision to extend it, should the board feel that such action is warranted.

When asked for explanation of the reasoning behind this unusual new rule, Rabbi Feldman explained that it was an attempt to ease an increasing confusion among the Rabbis. “Look, obviously nobody on the board has any problem with the names in and of themselves,” he said. “I mean, we’ve got two Davids and two Michaels on the board, all of whom voted for the rule. But that right there illustrates exactly why we needed to act. There are just too many of them. You call out for Rabbi David or Rabbi Michael at a Rabbis’ conference, and it seems like a good third of the crowd thinks you’re talking to them.”

However, Rabbi Feldman assured the gathered press that such an extreme measure was not undertaken lightly. “Believe me, this is a decision we’ve come to only after many hours of prayer and intense discussion. Our first thought was a rule that required all Rabbis to go by their last names, but that just resulted in the same problem spread wider. Do you realize how many father and son rabbis we have? I didn’t until we discussed standardizing to last names. And then there are guys like David Rosenberg who can’t get ahead either way; you try calling him by his last name to avoid the David issue and you just end up addressing his entire family, which all happen to be Messianic Rabbis as well. After that idea fell apart, we discussed adopting some kind of quota system, but everyone had his own idea on how to do that, and we ended up completely deadlocked on the details. In the end, the ban was all we could do for the time being. We’re hoping we’ll be able to hash out a better system at the next Rabbis’ conference, but frankly, if your name is David or Michael and you’re hoping to get ordained, you may want to pray about the virtues of going by your middle name.”

Since the announcement, widespread concern and confusion has been reported among the various Davids and Michaels currently scheduled for MJAA ordination. “It’s just that the wording is really unclear,” said David Baumstein, who’s scheduled to be ordained next month. “I’ve read through the new rule five times, and I still can’t figure out whether this means my appointment is canceled. And if it does apply to me, I can’t even use their suggestion of getting ordained under my middle name, because Michaels are banned too. I sent an email, but I haven’t heard back yet. If I don’t hear otherwise, I guess I’ll just have to go in and pray that everything turns out okay.”

While Rabbi Feldman and the rest of the MJAA board stressed that this is strictly a temporary measure, they also refused to rule out the possibility that, barring some more permanent solution, the ban could be extended or even expanded. “Look, this will be our top priority at the next meeting,” said Feldman, “but if you’ve never been to a Rabbis’ conference you can’t really understand how hard it is to come to a consensus on anything. You know the saying ‘two Jews, three opinions?’ Well, when those Jews are Rabbis, trust me, that’s a very low estimate.”

As for what may happen if the issue can’t be resolved in the next meeting, Rabbi Feldman refused to speculate, but did have one word of warning. “If we can’t solve it? We’ll deal with that if it comes up. But should that day arise, all I can say is potential Rabbis named Jeff may soon find themselves on thin ice as well.”

 

 

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Chicago Messianic Community Finally Discovers Ted Pearce Has More Than One Song

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Chicago, IL – A recent meeting of the Harvest Committee, the Chicago Messianic leaders’ networking and prayer group, turned into a heated debate over worship song choices, after it was accidentally discovered that Messianic recoding artist, Ted Pearce, actually has more songs than just “Hallelu Et Adonai.” The gathering went south when someone pulled up “Hallelu Et Adonai” on YouTube and another one of Ted Pearce’s songs, “Clean Water” popped up as the next song on the queue.

“Sometimes YouTube has a mind of its own,” said an anonymous representative of the Harvest Committee. “I’m more than a little embarrassed to say that we all thought Ted Pearce only had one song. A great song though. So great. So so great. We knew he has released albums, but we legitimately thought they were just Hallelu Et Adonai over and over and over again and we wanted to honor that. I feel our Chicago congregations have all done an incredible job beating that amazing song to death, and I commend them for it. But now that we have discovered that Ted Pearce has other songs, like “Adonai Machaseinu,” “Who Has Ascended?,” “Arise,” “Congregation of the Righteous,” “Hinei Go’alaeinu Chai,” and “Open the Gates,” we must start playing these songs, as well, to round out our worship experiences. We have asked that all our Chicago congregations expand their Ted Pearce repertoire during worship and give Hallelu Et Adonai a little breather. Hallelu Et Adonai has served us well over the years, but it’s time to give exposure to Mr. Pearce’s other songs too.”

In addition to Hallelu Et Adonai, Ted Pearce has many other great songs as well. You may listen to them here. We highly recommend adding these songs to your worship team’s repertoire.

 

 

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Guest Post by Craig Arbour | Dr. Michael Brown Announces 2017 Writing Schedule

MichaelBrown

During his hit radio show “The Line of Fire,” noted Messianic Apologist and author, Dr. Michael Brown, apologized for his light 2017 writing schedule.

“I am currently only working on 16 books this year,” said Dr. Brown. I had hoped for more. However, the radio show, my 435 speaking engagements, 23 debates, three Israel tours, my new exercise regimen, and trip to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s son’s wedding is limiting my time.

I will maintain my current goal of 365-700 articles, published on various websites.

When asked for comment about Dr. Michael Brown’s schedule, Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif was quoted as saying, “Not everyone can keep up.”

For more Information on Dr. Michael Brown visit www.askdrbrown.org

 

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