YMJA Curfew Golem Runs Amok, Causes Chaos At Messiah Conference 2017

Golem Article 2 - Header Image

Grantham, PA – What started as a noble attempt at curbing teenage hooliganism at Messiah Conference quickly spun out of control, deteriorating into a catastrophe of truly massive scope by the end of the week. After three nights of flawless, efficient curfew enforcement, on Wednesday afternoon the YMJA’s experimental new golem suddenly began terrorizing the campus, leaving a trail of minor injuries and major property damage in its wake.

While the investigation into the cause of this debacle is still ongoing, early reports indicate that it began when one or more YMJA leaders decided to expand the golem’s duties, amending its life-giving instruction scroll to include enforcement of all other YMJA rules as well as the curfew. The identities of the leaders in question have so far not been released, but those following the investigation have noted that much of the scrutiny seems to be directed toward newly elected YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, and the now former YMJA Vice President, Danielah Blackburn.

Regardless of the culprits’ identities, what followed is beyond dispute. Upon receiving these new, considerably more complex instructions, the golem promptly went about hunting down and apprehending supposed rule-breakers, many of whom were clearly innocent of the infractions for which they had been targeted. “I just suddenly felt this massive hand on my shoulder,” said Jason Jenkins. “This unimaginably deep voice said, ’No drugs or alcohol,’ and next thing I knew I was being lifted up into the air and carried away. I kept trying to explain that it was only a cough drop, but the golem just wouldn’t listen.”

Jenkins was far from the only attendee to suffer the golem’s undeserved wrath. According to Nick Lewis, a member of the YMJA leadership team, he and his wife had just settled in for the night on Thursday when their dorm room door burst off its hinges. “Before we could even react, it walked over and lifted the entire bed over its head with us in it. It kept screaming ‘Purple!’ over and over again. Purple is YMJA code for someone being in the room of someone of the opposite gender, and apparently the golem didn’t realize that the rule doesn’t apply to married couples sharing a room.”

Even those beyond the purview of the YMJA weren’t safe from the golem’s enforcement, as the crowd in the main auditorium discovered on Wednesday evening. “Rabbi David Chernoff had just started his message when this giant clay monstrosity lumbered onto the stage behind him,” recalled Jonathan Rutter. “It yelled ‘dress code violation’ really loudly, then wrapped the Rabbi in a massive bear hug and dragged him off stage. I heard that when security finally tracked it down, the whole YMJA exec committee was yelling at it that a crooked tallit is not a valid dress code issue.”

The golem’s reign of terror and overly zealous legalism finally came to an end on Friday afternoon when it tried to apprehend a group of children for possession of toy lightsabers, which it deemed a violation of the “no weapons” rule. Upon being grabbed, a young girl named Joelle Hackett became fascinated by the star-shaped clay medallion on the creature’s chest. She pulled it off to investigate it more closely, not even realizing as she did so that it contained the words that gave the thing life. Once the words were removed, the golem immediately became inert, at which point it was a simple matter to smash the thing and burn its instruction scroll. In the end, no trace was left of it but the numerous bruises, smashed door frames, and traumatic memories that it had caused.

While obviously disappointed by the golem’s failure, the YMJA executive team has vowed to continue to perfect the art of rule enforcement in future years. “I seem to remember Rabbi Kevin [Solomon] saying something about training a pack of curfew dogs,” Blackburn was heard saying. “Maybe we should look into that.”

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Advertisements

Guest Post by Anonymous | Messianic Judaism Sees Major Wave of Circumcision Reversal Surgeries for Gentiles

Circumcision Reversal

Brooklyn, New York’s fastest growing Plastic Surgery practice attributes their intense level of growth to the large number of Brit Milah reversal procedures performed upon Messianic Gentiles who, upon embarking on their journey to follow Messianic Judaism with full commitment of heart, “committing their life and limb,” so to speak, were circumcised. Peter Tipoff, a former Baptist, who while searching Scriptures and was stunned to find out Yeshua (Jesus) was Jewish, was led to search for Jewish people who believed in Yeshua. His search led him to a Messianic Synagogue in a major Northeast city and he started attending services regularly. When interviewed, Tipoff said, “I felt so at home and such a part of the family, I began first to use Hebrew terms, then advanced to wearing a kippah and tallit in synagogue. After a while I started to wear tzitzit on my belt loops. From there I felt it was time that I ‘went all in’ and had a Brit Milah.” It was only after further investigating that Tipoff found that the Scriptures do not require Gentiles to fulfill the mitzvah of circumcision.

Plastic Surgeon, Doctor T. Ikun, stated, “I never expected to see so many Gentile men who loved God so much they were willing to suffer so much to feel like part of the family.” He also added, “I never imagined that almost half of my practice would involve this kind of restoration surgery.”

A local Messianic Rabbi, who asked not to be identified, shared with us, “Messianic Judaism’s attraction to people of the Nations grew so quickly that we were somewhat unprepared for the sudden growth and were a little behind in trying to nip this in the bud. But we think we are making progress in teaching and hope to see a marked decline in the need for reversal surgeries.”

It is our hope Doctor T. Ikun’s practice can return shortly to primarily working on nose jobs.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Conference Junkies to be Recognized at Summer Conferences with Special Serrated Half Ribbon Underneath Their Name Badges

Conference Enthusiasts Name Badge

Murca — Interesting news from the Greater Messianic Movement this week, as President Bernis announced Conference Junkies will finally get the recognition they crave. Beginning with the inaugural Conference Conference, which takes place this coming weekend, all major Messianic Organizations have agreed to add a special serrated half ribbon underneath the name badges of anyone who has attended four or more Messianic conferences in the last year and a half, that will read “Conference Enthusiast.” This may seem like overkill, but Conference Junkies help make the Movement go ‘round.

“I am so happy that my incessant conference attending is finally going to pay off,” said notorious Conference Junkie, Stephanie Escalante. “Don’t get me wrong, there are many other benefits to attending all these conferences, but it’s about time we get something in return, even if it is just a ribbon underneath my nametag. I will cherish it forever. Plus, I think it’ll give me some street cred with the UMJC Rabbis. I’ve mostly been involved with the MJAA, but I’m the new UMJC Leadership Development Program Manager and I really think having this ribbon on my name badges will make a world of difference for me trying to make a name for myself within the Union.”

The new ribbons will automatically come attached to the name badges of anyone meeting the aforementioned requirements. There is nowhere to sign up for this accolade; we just know who you are. Oh, we know. Everyone knows.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

YMJA Leadership Team Builds Golem To Hunt Curfew-Breaking Teens at Messiah Conference

Golem Article 1 - Header Image

Grantham, PA – In less than two weeks, the MJAA is set to kick off Messiah Conference 2017. This year’s conference will mark the 50th anniversary of the YMJA, and it will also mark the introduction of the latest tool in their eternal struggle against teenage tomfoolery. Earlier today, the YMJA leadership team announced that they had successfully completed construction of a golem, which will serve as a part of the security detail.

“We’re all very proud of what we’ve accomplished here,” said YMJA Secretary Melissa Brown. “Teens staying out past curfew has always been a major issue, and while our human security guards have been a big help in catching these scofflaws, they can’t catch everyone. The golem will be different. It has no need for sleep, food, or human companionship. It won’t be swayed by phony excuses, and once it selects a target, it keeps going until it catches them. It can’t be evaded, bargained with, or tricked. It is, in short, the perfect curfew enforcer.”

As for the possibility of the golem running amok, as it does in the ancient folk legend, Brown says there’s no chance of that happening.  “We’ve made its rules very simple and easy to understand. We’ve run countless late night tests with subjects of various ages, and it’s consistently caught the underage testers while leaving those over 18 alone. It clearly knows what it’s doing, and it’s very good at doing it. We have full confidence that the golem will be a mainstay of the conference for generations to come.”

This won’t be the first time the YMJA has experimented with non-human curfew enforcers, though past attempts have never made it past the planning stages. “I still remember back in 2000,” said former YMJA President Kevin Solomon, “We were trying for months to train a team of golden retrievers for the same purpose. Unfortunately, a single thrown tennis ball would cause the entire squad to descend into chaos. Then before we could overcome that issue, we were reminded that the campus had a strict “no pets” policy, and that was that.” Still, Solomon is confident that the golem will fare better than previous efforts.

“The campus has no rule forbidding creatures made of living clay, so it won’t suffer the same fate as the retrievers,” he said. “And I’ve read the rules that it’s been given; they’re absolutely perfect. They’re written with no possible room for misinterpretation, and a golem always follows its rules to the letter. Put simply, this is that rare situation where, and you can absolutely 100% quote me on this, nothing can possibly go wrong.”

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Jews for Jesus’ Secret Past and the Real Reason They Don’t Want You to Refer to the San Francisco Hospitality House as ‘the Ho House’

Jolly Roger

San Francisco, CA — Jewish Ministry organization, Jews for Jesus, has branches in various cities across the world and many of those locations have housing for their missionaries and out of town guests. Headquarter city, San Francisco, has the most notorious housing situation. Their Hospitality House has come to be known as ‘the Ho House,’ but Jews for Jesus wants everyone to stop calling it that, and you’ll never believe why.

We all know who founded Jews for Jesus, but is there someone missing from the story? The answer may surprise you. An anonymous JFJ missionary, who asked to just be referred to as “Streetlight,” confirmed that there was, in fact, another person involved that has intentionally been left out of the story.

The missing person, Jacob Hookman, was instrumental in the birth of Jews For Jesus, but would later be the first person to betray JFJ and their mission. Hookman had an intense vision for sailing the seas and ministering to Jews who were displaced on various islands throughout the world’s oceans. Hookman learned to sail so he could take his mission of ministering to Jews to the seas. He joined the Navy and quickly worked his way up the ranks to Captain. After leaving the Navy on an honorable discharge, Hookman changed his name to a less Jewish sounding name of James Hook, to make himself less obvious to any anti-Semites he might encounter during his travels. Captain James Hook left San Francisco on his boat, the Jolly Roger, promising Jews for Jesus he would bring back the donations he was gifted from church presentations.

Sadly, Captain Hook drank too much sea water and lost his mind and his way. Instead of ministering to Jews and singing Jesus loving Jewish folk music at churches, Captain Hook disappeared, sending only a letter to Moishe Rosen stating that he had become a pirate on some unknown island and was enjoying terrorizing little orphan boys and Indians and that he would not be returning.

Captain Hook did return to San Francisco one last time, however. His crew was obnoxious, and their “Land, ho!” exclamation upon arriving in San Francisco was so loud it could be heard from miles away. In true pirate fashion, Hook did, unfortunately, wind up stealing every penny he could find from Jews for Jesus, never to be seen or heard from again.

So, you see, kids, when you refer to the Hospitality House as ‘the Ho House,’ it reminds everyone of Captain Hook’s chant of ‘Land, Ho,’ and subsequent betrayal. The painful memories are too much for everyone to endure, so just stop calling it that, okay? Just stop.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Prime Rabbinical Candidate Drops Out of Messianic Yeshiva Over Fear of Being “Meowed”

Screen Shot 2017-06-11 at 11.34.34 PM

Murca — Disturbing news this week as the UMJC’s first round draft pick, Adam Goldensilver, has left the online Rabbinical program at the Messianic Jewish Theological Institute. The news comes as an incredible shock, as Goldensilver was just three credit hours shy of completing the program, which would give him the requirements needed to be eligible to be ordained as a UMJC Rabbi. Sadly, nothing in this life is certain, and coming this far in the program, is clearly not enough to keep the commitment to being a Rabbi.

“When I first entered the Rabbinical program, there was no organized humor in Messianic Judaism,” Adam Goldensilver wrote, in a heartfelt apology letter, to the UMJC. “This thing [The Messianic Meow] came out of nowhere. They are writing about everyone and everything Messianic. They really are leaving no stone unturned. I am a human being and I take myself very seriously. I do not want to be satirized. I did not sign up for this; I signed up to serve in a humorless Messianic Judaism. It’s changing before my eyes and I just can’t. I can’t. I’m so very sorry, but I can’t do this.”

We’ve also received word that Goldensilver appears to have fled the country and left no trace behind. We wish Adam luck and hope that wherever he winds up, he finds a sense of humor.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow