Grantham, PA – In less than two weeks, the MJAA is set to kick off Messiah Conference 2017. This year’s conference will mark the 50th anniversary of the YMJA, and it will also mark the introduction of the latest tool in their eternal struggle against teenage tomfoolery. Earlier today, the YMJA leadership team announced that they had successfully completed construction of a golem, which will serve as a part of the security detail.
“We’re all very proud of what we’ve accomplished here,” said YMJA Secretary Melissa Brown. “Teens staying out past curfew has always been a major issue, and while our human security guards have been a big help in catching these scofflaws, they can’t catch everyone. The golem will be different. It has no need for sleep, food, or human companionship. It won’t be swayed by phony excuses, and once it selects a target, it keeps going until it catches them. It can’t be evaded, bargained with, or tricked. It is, in short, the perfect curfew enforcer.”
As for the possibility of the golem running amok, as it does in the ancient folk legend, Brown says there’s no chance of that happening. “We’ve made its rules very simple and easy to understand. We’ve run countless late night tests with subjects of various ages, and it’s consistently caught the underage testers while leaving those over 18 alone. It clearly knows what it’s doing, and it’s very good at doing it. We have full confidence that the golem will be a mainstay of the conference for generations to come.”
This won’t be the first time the YMJA has experimented with non-human curfew enforcers, though past attempts have never made it past the planning stages. “I still remember back in 2000,” said former YMJA President Kevin Solomon, “We were trying for months to train a team of golden retrievers for the same purpose. Unfortunately, a single thrown tennis ball would cause the entire squad to descend into chaos. Then before we could overcome that issue, we were reminded that the campus had a strict “no pets” policy, and that was that.” Still, Solomon is confident that the golem will fare better than previous efforts.
“The campus has no rule forbidding creatures made of living clay, so it won’t suffer the same fate as the retrievers,” he said. “And I’ve read the rules that it’s been given; they’re absolutely perfect. They’re written with no possible room for misinterpretation, and a golem always follows its rules to the letter. Put simply, this is that rare situation where, and you can absolutely 100% quote me on this, nothing can possibly go wrong.”
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