Guest Post by Anonymous | MJAA Announces New Attempt to Sorta Organize the Teaching Sessions at Messiah 2018

mjaa

Grantham, PA — Fresh off a highly successful Messiah 2017 conference, the MJAA is proud to announce a new structure for the adult morning sessions to take place at Messiah 2018. In addition to being presented in the typical grid format, the classes will now be organized into tracks, to assist attendees in selecting classes best suited to them.

“I’m excited about the new track structure,” said MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman. “It’s difficult for many people to select classes which meet their needs and interests. The message titles are only so useful, even when the speakers stick with their stated topic. But we were discussing the problem in one of our secret leaders’ lunches this year, and we realized that most speakers just do the same thing every year anyway, so why not group them accordingly?”

“Titles are hard,” added Rabbi David Chernoff. “We used to provide summaries in the booklet, but knowing what you want to talk about in advance, choosing a title, describing it…it was an impossible task. My wife, Debbie, has done a ‘For Women Only’ session for years to avoid having to come up with a title, but we can’t all do that. I’ve considered doing a ‘For Cool People Only’ session, but the fundamentals of our faith are probably more important.”

The current plan divides the sessions into three tracks. Fundamentals of Biblical Judaism will be primarily for those new to the conference or seeking to learn more about Messianic Judaism and the MJAA, and will include excellent foundational teachings from Messianic leaders such as Rabbis David Chernoff, Jeff Forman, Charlie Kluge, and Michael Wolf. “I feel that my class on the MJAA’s ministry is very important to provide to the newcomers at Messiah,” said MJAA General Secretary, Joel Chernoff. “Not only do people need to catch the Messianic vision, but they also need to understand precisely how many additional water wells the MJAA has built this past year in Ethiopia and watch a special video of me taking a drink from each one. Seeing me drink from every single well really helps people connect to the ministry.”

The second track will be the Conference Veteran track, aimed at those who have already mastered the FBJ material over several previous years.  Speakers will include Debbie Chernoff, Michael Rydelnik, Rachel Wolf, Jeffrey Seif, and an optional specialization for those who wish to major in Rosenberg.  Like the FBJ track, the classes will be intentionally scheduled to avoid overlaps in the same time slot. “I’ve been making fewer handouts in the past years, since I’m always scheduled at the same time as Debbie Chernoff,” said Dr. Michael Rydelnik. “I’m glad to know we’ll be sparing attendees that difficult decision of choosing between us in the future.”

The final track, titled “Blow A Shofar In Zion,” will be designed for those interested in right-wing politics, unscientific nutritional advice, apocalyptic analysis of regularly occurring phenomena, exhaustive search techniques to dig up any hints of Jewish ancestry, and overly simplistic explanations of prophetic mysteries. The track will also introduce a new class, titled “18 Reasons Why The World Will End In 2018” (which will be updated for Messiah 2019, should the need arise). Blow A Shofar in Zion track participants will also have exclusive access to a Cultural Center showcase exhibiting every product which was ever invented in Israel. Ever.

A fourth track, tentatively titled “Virgin Daughters of Zion,” may be included for those seeking a spouse. It would include classes on developing your “Jew-dar,” the roles of men and women in marriage, and how to convince your significant other to move to your city so that your Rabbi supports the relationship. Additional track-specific activities have been proposed, including singles-only schmooze times (which are not “open to all”), speed “intentional friending,” and opportunities for private consultation with Hope Edelstein.

The MJAA has also announced several new afternoon workshops at Messiah 2018, including Introduction to Interpretive Dance, Overwhelmingly Anointed Prayer, Davidic Harp-Carving (bring your own log), and How to Know You’re Called to Make Aliyah When Your Rabbi Says No.

You can register now for Messiah 2018 at http://mjaa.org/messiah18 to set up a prepayment plan with a 10% discount.  You won’t want to miss this one, just in case the world really does end.

 

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Matt Rosenberg | Messianic Rabbi Starts GoFundMe Page for Beard Oil

Beard

A fantastic beard and great beard maintenance are an expectation that most people have for a Rabbi. Great beard maintenance means using lots of beard oil. It is believed to also be a throwback to the days of the High Priest, Aaron, who poured manly scented oil all over his beard. It is rumored that his beard actually built the Golden Calf from residue alone.

Recently, when Messianic Rabbi Shmuel Goldenfarb ran out of beard oil, he said to his wife, “I need more beard oil or people will leave our Synagogue and stop tithing.” His wife responded, “We can only afford one bottle of beard oil a year; that stuff is expensive.” That’s when Goldenfarb had an idea! He could raise the money on the interwebs! Of course not knowing how to use a computer, he called his Grandson, who quickly set up a GoFundMe for a year’s supply of beard oil.

Beard oil was much cheaper back in the day, but with the rise of Evangelical Hipster Pastors and their attempt to look like a cooler version of their favorite reformation preacher, the price has sky rocketed! At press time, Goldenfarb has raised eighteen cents towards his $150 goal. Turns out the eighteen cents was a mistake, when a Bubbe in Michigan meant to give eighteen cents to her grandson’s college fund because the number 18 represents “life.”

Goldenfarb noted that with all of the expectations that congregants put on a Messianic Rabbi, having to worry about how to afford beard oil should not be one them. You can help today and maybe even consider donating a bottle of beard oil to your Rabbi this coming Rosh Hashanah. Don’t worry, he won’t dip apples in it.

 

 

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Guest Post by Anonymous | Messianic Judaism Sees Major Wave of Circumcision Reversal Surgeries for Gentiles

Circumcision Reversal

Brooklyn, New York’s fastest growing Plastic Surgery practice attributes their intense level of growth to the large number of Brit Milah reversal procedures performed upon Messianic Gentiles who, upon embarking on their journey to follow Messianic Judaism with full commitment of heart, “committing their life and limb,” so to speak, were circumcised. Peter Tipoff, a former Baptist, who while searching Scriptures and was stunned to find out Yeshua (Jesus) was Jewish, was led to search for Jewish people who believed in Yeshua. His search led him to a Messianic Synagogue in a major Northeast city and he started attending services regularly. When interviewed, Tipoff said, “I felt so at home and such a part of the family, I began first to use Hebrew terms, then advanced to wearing a kippah and tallit in synagogue. After a while I started to wear tzitzit on my belt loops. From there I felt it was time that I ‘went all in’ and had a Brit Milah.” It was only after further investigating that Tipoff found that the Scriptures do not require Gentiles to fulfill the mitzvah of circumcision.

Plastic Surgeon, Doctor T. Ikun, stated, “I never expected to see so many Gentile men who loved God so much they were willing to suffer so much to feel like part of the family.” He also added, “I never imagined that almost half of my practice would involve this kind of restoration surgery.”

A local Messianic Rabbi, who asked not to be identified, shared with us, “Messianic Judaism’s attraction to people of the Nations grew so quickly that we were somewhat unprepared for the sudden growth and were a little behind in trying to nip this in the bud. But we think we are making progress in teaching and hope to see a marked decline in the need for reversal surgeries.”

It is our hope Doctor T. Ikun’s practice can return shortly to primarily working on nose jobs.

 

 

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Guest Post by Hannah Wunder | How to be a Basic Kvetch: Messianic Edition

Basic Kvetch

The Torah, consisting of five books, is the basics of the Bible. Like the Bible, the Basic Kvetch has to have five basic things that solidify her identity as a Basic Kvetch. Don’t be caught at the Synagogue without these five essential things:

1) Tree of Life Version Bible (TLV)

The TLV bible is the new “King James.” Created by The Messianic Jewish Family Bible Society, the Basic Kvetch should never be caught reading any other translation. Don’t even try to quote some fancy new version of the Bible to another Basic Kvetch at Synagogue; that’s just wrong.

2) Scarf/Head-covering

A light scarf that will be a great head-covering, Shabbat morning, at Synagogue, will show just how holy you are. It also doubles as a great accessory for any Saturday night shenanigans a Basic Kvetch may find herself involved in.

3) Long “Twirl” Skirt

Every Basic Kvetch knows that, “The longer the skirt, the longer you’ve been in the movement.” Make sure it twirls to make your Davidic dancing extra special for any onlookers (AKA potential husbands).

4) Big Purse/Bag

Keep everything you need to go from Synagogue Saturday morning to your Synagogue crush’s family’s house for Havdalah (or possibly those shenanigans we talked about earlier). A Basic Kvetch is always prepared for any situation that might present itself.

5) Crock Pot

Lastly, every Basic Kvetch knows to make sure she brings her best recipe for Oneg in her personal slow cooker. It shows potential mates just how good of a homemaker a Basic Kvetch really can be.

Now that you know the five essential items to have, don’t ever be caught without them; It could be detrimental to your future as a wife, and, most importantly, a Basic Kvetch.

 

 

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Guest Post by Craig Arbour | Dr. Michael Brown Announces 2017 Writing Schedule

MichaelBrown

During his hit radio show “The Line of Fire,” noted Messianic Apologist and author, Dr. Michael Brown, apologized for his light 2017 writing schedule.

“I am currently only working on 16 books this year,” said Dr. Brown. I had hoped for more. However, the radio show, my 435 speaking engagements, 23 debates, three Israel tours, my new exercise regimen, and trip to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s son’s wedding is limiting my time.

I will maintain my current goal of 365-700 articles, published on various websites.

When asked for comment about Dr. Michael Brown’s schedule, Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif was quoted as saying, “Not everyone can keep up.”

For more Information on Dr. Michael Brown visit www.askdrbrown.org

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | Rabbi Falls Into Heresy

heretical-rabbi

Elder Hezekiah Hawkins, on behalf of the synagogue board, has reported that Rabbi Leslie Horowitz of Sometimes You Just Gotta Dance Messianic Congregation in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, has been temporarily removed from his pulpit after falling into heresy.

“Yes, it pained us to do so. Rabbi Horowitz has been with us for eighteen years now, and we all love him. But we found he crossed a boundary we could not tolerate.  As my wife, Amanda, reminded me, ‘ Above all, we must protect God’s sheep.’”

Rabbi Horowitz, a graduate of Rhema and Ruach Bible School, began to show his first signs of deviance about three months ago. “Yes, that was when it started to happen. At first we thought it was an oversight. Soon it was clear that it was deliberate. Then we had no choice: we just had to take action.”

When representatives of The Messianic Meow pressed Elder Hawkins for details, he at first refused to disclose them. “It’s a private matter,” he said; “Very private.”

However, when reminded that the Elder Board’s responsibility to protect God’s sheep extends beyond their own congregation, Hawkins relented. “Yes, I can see that we have to protect others from this damnable heresy, this doctrine of demons, this curse upon God’s people.”

“Okay. With the help of God, I will tell you what he did.” His voice dropped to a whisper, and with trembling lips he disclosed his horrible secret:

“The Rabbi stopped taking offerings.”

This was all Hawkins could say. What followed was little more than inarticulate sobbing.

 

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