Guest Post by Anonymous | MJAA Announces New Attempt to Sorta Organize the Teaching Sessions at Messiah 2018

mjaa

Grantham, PA — Fresh off a highly successful Messiah 2017 conference, the MJAA is proud to announce a new structure for the adult morning sessions to take place at Messiah 2018. In addition to being presented in the typical grid format, the classes will now be organized into tracks, to assist attendees in selecting classes best suited to them.

“I’m excited about the new track structure,” said MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman. “It’s difficult for many people to select classes which meet their needs and interests. The message titles are only so useful, even when the speakers stick with their stated topic. But we were discussing the problem in one of our secret leaders’ lunches this year, and we realized that most speakers just do the same thing every year anyway, so why not group them accordingly?”

“Titles are hard,” added Rabbi David Chernoff. “We used to provide summaries in the booklet, but knowing what you want to talk about in advance, choosing a title, describing it…it was an impossible task. My wife, Debbie, has done a ‘For Women Only’ session for years to avoid having to come up with a title, but we can’t all do that. I’ve considered doing a ‘For Cool People Only’ session, but the fundamentals of our faith are probably more important.”

The current plan divides the sessions into three tracks. Fundamentals of Biblical Judaism will be primarily for those new to the conference or seeking to learn more about Messianic Judaism and the MJAA, and will include excellent foundational teachings from Messianic leaders such as Rabbis David Chernoff, Jeff Forman, Charlie Kluge, and Michael Wolf. “I feel that my class on the MJAA’s ministry is very important to provide to the newcomers at Messiah,” said MJAA General Secretary, Joel Chernoff. “Not only do people need to catch the Messianic vision, but they also need to understand precisely how many additional water wells the MJAA has built this past year in Ethiopia and watch a special video of me taking a drink from each one. Seeing me drink from every single well really helps people connect to the ministry.”

The second track will be the Conference Veteran track, aimed at those who have already mastered the FBJ material over several previous years.  Speakers will include Debbie Chernoff, Michael Rydelnik, Rachel Wolf, Jeffrey Seif, and an optional specialization for those who wish to major in Rosenberg.  Like the FBJ track, the classes will be intentionally scheduled to avoid overlaps in the same time slot. “I’ve been making fewer handouts in the past years, since I’m always scheduled at the same time as Debbie Chernoff,” said Dr. Michael Rydelnik. “I’m glad to know we’ll be sparing attendees that difficult decision of choosing between us in the future.”

The final track, titled “Blow A Shofar In Zion,” will be designed for those interested in right-wing politics, unscientific nutritional advice, apocalyptic analysis of regularly occurring phenomena, exhaustive search techniques to dig up any hints of Jewish ancestry, and overly simplistic explanations of prophetic mysteries. The track will also introduce a new class, titled “18 Reasons Why The World Will End In 2018” (which will be updated for Messiah 2019, should the need arise). Blow A Shofar in Zion track participants will also have exclusive access to a Cultural Center showcase exhibiting every product which was ever invented in Israel. Ever.

A fourth track, tentatively titled “Virgin Daughters of Zion,” may be included for those seeking a spouse. It would include classes on developing your “Jew-dar,” the roles of men and women in marriage, and how to convince your significant other to move to your city so that your Rabbi supports the relationship. Additional track-specific activities have been proposed, including singles-only schmooze times (which are not “open to all”), speed “intentional friending,” and opportunities for private consultation with Hope Edelstein.

The MJAA has also announced several new afternoon workshops at Messiah 2018, including Introduction to Interpretive Dance, Overwhelmingly Anointed Prayer, Davidic Harp-Carving (bring your own log), and How to Know You’re Called to Make Aliyah When Your Rabbi Says No.

You can register now for Messiah 2018 at http://mjaa.org/messiah18 to set up a prepayment plan with a 10% discount.  You won’t want to miss this one, just in case the world really does end.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Messiah Conference to Host First Ever Messianic Friars Roast

joel_liberman

Grantham, PA — The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America announced this week it would begin hosting Friars Roasts at its annual Messiah Conference, which will take place at Messiah College in Grantham, PA next week. Messiah Conference is notorious for showcasing the talents of Messianics, from dancers to musicians to authors, but the one thing that has long been missing from Messianic pop culture is organized comedy, and Messiah Conference has set forth a plan to change that, by publicly making fun of its leaders.

“We’ve finally reached a point in our culture where we feel the Messianic community is ready for organized Messianic humor,” said IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman. “Since all Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians, why not publicly roast each other? We have close to 55,000 people view the livestream of Messiah Conference every year, so this is a great way to unveil Messianic comedy to the world…and it sure beats asking that awful Messianic Meow to speak at Conference.”

The first annual Messianic Leader’s Roast will take place during the plenary session on the final evening of Messiah Conference, just before the Klezmarians perform to close out the conference. MJAA General Secretary and founder of Lamb, Joel Chernoff will be the first ever roastee and we expect to see jokes from such Rabbis as Matt Rosenberg, Joel Liberman, Jonathan Bernis, David Chernoff, and everybody’s favorite prankster, Rabbi Kevin Solomon. If you can’t make it to Messiah Conference this year, you’ll be able to watch all the evening sessions and Saturday morning Torah service at http://messiahconference.org/live/

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Guest Post by Rabbi Matt Rosenberg | Messianic Rabbi Starts GoFundMe Page for Beard Oil

Beard

A fantastic beard and great beard maintenance are an expectation that most people have for a Rabbi. Great beard maintenance means using lots of beard oil. It is believed to also be a throwback to the days of the High Priest, Aaron, who poured manly scented oil all over his beard. It is rumored that his beard actually built the Golden Calf from residue alone.

Recently, when Messianic Rabbi Shmuel Goldenfarb ran out of beard oil, he said to his wife, “I need more beard oil or people will leave our Synagogue and stop tithing.” His wife responded, “We can only afford one bottle of beard oil a year; that stuff is expensive.” That’s when Goldenfarb had an idea! He could raise the money on the interwebs! Of course not knowing how to use a computer, he called his Grandson, who quickly set up a GoFundMe for a year’s supply of beard oil.

Beard oil was much cheaper back in the day, but with the rise of Evangelical Hipster Pastors and their attempt to look like a cooler version of their favorite reformation preacher, the price has sky rocketed! At press time, Goldenfarb has raised eighteen cents towards his $150 goal. Turns out the eighteen cents was a mistake, when a Bubbe in Michigan meant to give eighteen cents to her grandson’s college fund because the number 18 represents “life.”

Goldenfarb noted that with all of the expectations that congregants put on a Messianic Rabbi, having to worry about how to afford beard oil should not be one them. You can help today and maybe even consider donating a bottle of beard oil to your Rabbi this coming Rosh Hashanah. Don’t worry, he won’t dip apples in it.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

MJAA Announces Temporary Ban On New Rabbis Named David and Michael

DavidtheGnome

Springfield, PA – In a landmark press conference this week, MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, has announced a sweeping legal change within the Alliance. The new rule, passed unanimously by the board, will bar men named either David or Michael from seeking Rabbinic ordination through the organization. The ban will last for a period of six months, but includes a provision to extend it, should the board feel that such action is warranted.

When asked for explanation of the reasoning behind this unusual new rule, Rabbi Feldman explained that it was an attempt to ease an increasing confusion among the Rabbis. “Look, obviously nobody on the board has any problem with the names in and of themselves,” he said. “I mean, we’ve got two Davids and two Michaels on the board, all of whom voted for the rule. But that right there illustrates exactly why we needed to act. There are just too many of them. You call out for Rabbi David or Rabbi Michael at a Rabbis’ conference, and it seems like a good third of the crowd thinks you’re talking to them.”

However, Rabbi Feldman assured the gathered press that such an extreme measure was not undertaken lightly. “Believe me, this is a decision we’ve come to only after many hours of prayer and intense discussion. Our first thought was a rule that required all Rabbis to go by their last names, but that just resulted in the same problem spread wider. Do you realize how many father and son rabbis we have? I didn’t until we discussed standardizing to last names. And then there are guys like David Rosenberg who can’t get ahead either way; you try calling him by his last name to avoid the David issue and you just end up addressing his entire family, which all happen to be Messianic Rabbis as well. After that idea fell apart, we discussed adopting some kind of quota system, but everyone had his own idea on how to do that, and we ended up completely deadlocked on the details. In the end, the ban was all we could do for the time being. We’re hoping we’ll be able to hash out a better system at the next Rabbis’ conference, but frankly, if your name is David or Michael and you’re hoping to get ordained, you may want to pray about the virtues of going by your middle name.”

Since the announcement, widespread concern and confusion has been reported among the various Davids and Michaels currently scheduled for MJAA ordination. “It’s just that the wording is really unclear,” said David Baumstein, who’s scheduled to be ordained next month. “I’ve read through the new rule five times, and I still can’t figure out whether this means my appointment is canceled. And if it does apply to me, I can’t even use their suggestion of getting ordained under my middle name, because Michaels are banned too. I sent an email, but I haven’t heard back yet. If I don’t hear otherwise, I guess I’ll just have to go in and pray that everything turns out okay.”

While Rabbi Feldman and the rest of the MJAA board stressed that this is strictly a temporary measure, they also refused to rule out the possibility that, barring some more permanent solution, the ban could be extended or even expanded. “Look, this will be our top priority at the next meeting,” said Feldman, “but if you’ve never been to a Rabbis’ conference you can’t really understand how hard it is to come to a consensus on anything. You know the saying ‘two Jews, three opinions?’ Well, when those Jews are Rabbis, trust me, that’s a very low estimate.”

As for what may happen if the issue can’t be resolved in the next meeting, Rabbi Feldman refused to speculate, but did have one word of warning. “If we can’t solve it? We’ll deal with that if it comes up. But should that day arise, all I can say is potential Rabbis named Jeff may soon find themselves on thin ice as well.”

 

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Jacob Rosenberg’s Son Turns Five, Becomes Youngest Ordained Rabbi in IAMCS History

shmulyrosenberg

Chicago, IL – Historic news out of the Chicago Messianic community yesterday, as Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg’s son, Shmuly*, celebrated his fifth birthday and was immediately ordained as an IAMCS Rabbi, via FaceTime, making him the youngest ordained Rabbi in IAMCS history. Shmuly has chosen to follow in the footsteps of his Father, Messianic Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, his Uncle, Messianic Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, his Grandfather, Messianic Rabbi David Rosenberg, and his Great-Uncle, Messianic Rabbi Jan Rosenberg.

Jacob Rosenberg was officially ordained as the fourth Rosenberg Rabbi last month at The IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference in Orlando, and the family was immediately presented with a buy-four-ordinations-get-one-free punch card, with no expiration date on it. Upon leaving the conference, The Rosenberg Clan had an emergency meeting at their family compound on Martha’s Vineyard to discuss what to do about the punch card, so as not to let it go to waste. After Matt Rosenberg’s six year old son, Shlomo* announced he wants to be a Dentist when he grows up, the family chose to option him to AAA, AKA “Youth Ministry,” until he could come to his senses. Thus leaving the soon to be five year old, Shmuly, as the obvious choice, by default.

President Bernis said, between the IAMCS and the UMJC, very few Frequent Ordainer punch cards have been handed out, though he is expecting that the next one turned in will come from either the Tokajer or Waldman/Klayman camps.

If you’d like to show your support for Shmuly’s new found career path, you may post on social media using the hashtag #TheRosenbergDynastyContinues

*Name changed to protect a minor

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Independent Messianic Congregation With Own Building Denounced By the Greater Messianic Community

synagoguebuilding

Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.

President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.

Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”

Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

jbern

Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow