Introvert Deliberately Gives Her Cold to Anyone Who Shakes Her Hand During Congregational Greeting Time

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Richmond, VA – 28 year old Rachel Cantor is over it. She really just is. Cantor is Messianic, but she is also an introvert. An introvert who loves Yeshua, but an introvert no less. Cantor has no control over the mandatory greeting time that Tikvat Israel Messianic Synagogue in Richmond, VA has established during their Saturday morning Torah service, but she says there is no way around this without missing the actual service. Cantor is so committed to attending 100% of every service, that she has even known to show up when she is ill.

“Look, it’s not my fault the old Jews in my congregation can’t keep their hands to themselves,” Cantor wrote in her blog. “I try to slump down in my seat so people know not to acknowledge me, but it doesn’t work. I just want to keep to myself, but these people insist on not only trying to make small talk with me during the two minutes of greeting time (that feel like an hour when you’re in introvert), but they have to shake my hand or touch my shoulder too. So maybe I had a cold this weekend. And then maybe I licked my hand, knowing they would all feel a burning desire to touch it. I can neither confirm nor deny intentionally getting them all sick. But if I had, they certainly deserved it. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. No, Seriously. Just keep your hands to yourself. I really don’t get it. And I’m over it. So over it.”

In a modern day tale of introvert induced chemical warfare, 15 congregants mysteriously came down with a cold after the aforementioned Shabbat service. Will they learn their lesson? It is more than likely that they not only did not learn their lessons, but may walk around with their used kleenex in their hands as they touch as many people as possible, spreading the germs even further. This behavior sickens us.

 

 

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Prime Rabbinical Candidate Drops Out of Messianic Yeshiva Over Fear of Being “Meowed”

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Murca — Disturbing news this week as the UMJC’s first round draft pick, Adam Goldensilver, has left the online Rabbinical program at the Messianic Jewish Theological Institute. The news comes as an incredible shock, as Goldensilver was just three credit hours shy of completing the program, which would give him the requirements needed to be eligible to be ordained as a UMJC Rabbi. Sadly, nothing in this life is certain, and coming this far in the program, is clearly not enough to keep the commitment to being a Rabbi.

“When I first entered the Rabbinical program, there was no organized humor in Messianic Judaism,” Adam Goldensilver wrote, in a heartfelt apology letter, to the UMJC. “This thing [The Messianic Meow] came out of nowhere. They are writing about everyone and everything Messianic. They really are leaving no stone unturned. I am a human being and I take myself very seriously. I do not want to be satirized. I did not sign up for this; I signed up to serve in a humorless Messianic Judaism. It’s changing before my eyes and I just can’t. I can’t. I’m so very sorry, but I can’t do this.”

We’ve also received word that Goldensilver appears to have fled the country and left no trace behind. We wish Adam luck and hope that wherever he winds up, he finds a sense of humor.

 

 

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UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

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Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

 

 

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography

Millions of Jewish and Gentile Believers Come Together to Name New Baby Giraffe ‘Jesus is The Messiah’

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Murca — April the Giraffe, who rose to celebrity status by being pregnant for a year and a half, gave birth to a male calf this past weekend, and then was mercilessly slaughtered by Orthodox Rabbis who wanted to take advantage of giraffes being biblically Kosher. To raise funds for an upgrade of their giraffe encounter, Animal Adventure Park is having a contest to name the new baby giraffe. The wider believing community agreed to make the most of this incredible evangelistic opportunity and name the baby “Jesus is The Messiah.”

“Every believer can agree on one thing, and that’s that Jesus is The Messiah,” said Jonathan Bernis, President of the Messianic Movement. “Have you read that book ‘The One Thing’ by Gary Keller? It’s great! Anyway, our one thing is we all have the same Messiah, whether we are Jewish or Gentile. We put our feelers out through Jewish Voice, the MJAA, the UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People, Tikkun, First Fruits of Zion, The Tree of Life Bible Society, Life in Messiah, The Messianic Times, and our partnering Christian ministries and everyone agreed naming the baby giraffe ‘Jesus is The Messiah’ is an evangelistic opportunity that we should not pass up. We decided our message would reach more people if we used the name Jesus, instead of Yeshua. That baby will have a long name, but it will be worth it. Plus, if it can’t hack it as a giraffe, it can always become a race horse.”

Animal Adventure Park is allowing people to pay to vote for names for the new calf. There is no maximum of votes, but there is a minimum of five. Each vote costs $1. Please visit www.nameaprilscalf.com to vote to name the new baby ‘Jesus is The Messiah’ and help get our message out!

 

 

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YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to April the Giraffe

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Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the April the Giraffe, who was mercilessly slaughtered over the weekend, simply because giraffes are biblically Kosher, but are not readily available as food. The video will be a sequel to the still yet to be released tribute to Harambe, that was supposed to have been released five months ago.

“We filmed the Harambe video in January at the ARCH Leadership Summit, but my laptop has been broken literally for forever,” said YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg, who is in charge of making both the April and Harambe tribute videos. “I could let someone else edit the videos, but I like to keep my commitments. Besides, I’m Jewish, aren’t I supposed to be late with everything?? I don’t think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew; I feel very optimistic that I will be able to release both videos in time for the 10th anniversary of their deaths!”

The videos will be released on YouTube and Facebook as soon as they are ready. Goldberg says both videos will include the same footage, and mostly the same song lyrics, just to save time. Keep your eyes peeled; the videos will be posted on The Messianic Meow Facebook page as soon as they are finished.

 

 

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Jacob Rosenberg’s Son Turns Five, Becomes Youngest Ordained Rabbi in IAMCS History

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Chicago, IL – Historic news out of the Chicago Messianic community yesterday, as Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg’s son, Shmuly*, celebrated his fifth birthday and was immediately ordained as an IAMCS Rabbi, via FaceTime, making him the youngest ordained Rabbi in IAMCS history. Shmuly has chosen to follow in the footsteps of his Father, Messianic Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, his Uncle, Messianic Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, his Grandfather, Messianic Rabbi David Rosenberg, and his Great-Uncle, Messianic Rabbi Jan Rosenberg.

Jacob Rosenberg was officially ordained as the fourth Rosenberg Rabbi last month at The IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference in Orlando, and the family was immediately presented with a buy-four-ordinations-get-one-free punch card, with no expiration date on it. Upon leaving the conference, The Rosenberg Clan had an emergency meeting at their family compound on Martha’s Vineyard to discuss what to do about the punch card, so as not to let it go to waste. After Matt Rosenberg’s six year old son, Shlomo* announced he wants to be a Dentist when he grows up, the family chose to option him to AAA, AKA “Youth Ministry,” until he could come to his senses. Thus leaving the soon to be five year old, Shmuly, as the obvious choice, by default.

President Bernis said, between the IAMCS and the UMJC, very few Frequent Ordainer punch cards have been handed out, though he is expecting that the next one turned in will come from either the Tokajer or Waldman/Klayman camps.

If you’d like to show your support for Shmuly’s new found career path, you may post on social media using the hashtag #TheRosenbergDynastyContinues

*Name changed to protect a minor

 

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YMJA Leadership Team Weekend Meetings Result in Decision to Buy Out Snapchat IPO

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Atlanta, GA – The YMJA Leadership Team gathered in Atlanta this past weekend to plan their portion of this year’s Messiah Conference, which will take place in July. In addition to planning the conference, a big decision was made to purchase every share of the upcoming Snapchat IPO.

“Well, we have all of this extra money now that we’ve extended the YMJA age limit to 45,” said YMJA Treasurer, Ravi Goldberg. “So many more people have paid the annual membership fee this year, because of that. We were originally going to use the extra funds on hummus, but for reasons I won’t mention, we are no longer allowed to do that. Anyway, as we were discussing how to use the funds, our social media guru, Joey Stepakoff, pointed out that Snapchat just announced they’ve filed for an IPO. Since Snapchat is such a huge part of YMJA culture, the decision was obvious. We took a vote and unanimously decided to purchase every share of Snapchat’s IPO. It really did make the most sense to move forward with this. It’s not like we would use the money for scholarships or anything.”

The Snapchat IPO is set to launch next month. The YMJA said they have big plans for Snapchat, including an affiliate called “Japchat,” in which all the filters are Jewish themed. You can follow the YMJA on Snapchat, but you’ll have to find them first, especially since this article will disappear in 24 hours!

 

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