Guest Post by Anonymous | Messianic Judaism Sees Major Wave of Circumcision Reversal Surgeries for Gentiles

Circumcision Reversal

Brooklyn, New York’s fastest growing Plastic Surgery practice attributes their intense level of growth to the large number of Brit Milah reversal procedures performed upon Messianic Gentiles who, upon embarking on their journey to follow Messianic Judaism with full commitment of heart, “committing their life and limb,” so to speak, were circumcised. Peter Tipoff, a former Baptist, who while searching Scriptures and was stunned to find out Yeshua (Jesus) was Jewish, was led to search for Jewish people who believed in Yeshua. His search led him to a Messianic Synagogue in a major Northeast city and he started attending services regularly. When interviewed, Tipoff said, “I felt so at home and such a part of the family, I began first to use Hebrew terms, then advanced to wearing a kippah and tallit in synagogue. After a while I started to wear tzitzit on my belt loops. From there I felt it was time that I ‘went all in’ and had a Brit Milah.” It was only after further investigating that Tipoff found that the Scriptures do not require Gentiles to fulfill the mitzvah of circumcision.

Plastic Surgeon, Doctor T. Ikun, stated, “I never expected to see so many Gentile men who loved God so much they were willing to suffer so much to feel like part of the family.” He also added, “I never imagined that almost half of my practice would involve this kind of restoration surgery.”

A local Messianic Rabbi, who asked not to be identified, shared with us, “Messianic Judaism’s attraction to people of the Nations grew so quickly that we were somewhat unprepared for the sudden growth and were a little behind in trying to nip this in the bud. But we think we are making progress in teaching and hope to see a marked decline in the need for reversal surgeries.”

It is our hope Doctor T. Ikun’s practice can return shortly to primarily working on nose jobs.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

YMJA Leadership Team Builds Golem To Hunt Curfew-Breaking Teens at Messiah Conference

Golem Article 1 - Header Image

Grantham, PA – In less than two weeks, the MJAA is set to kick off Messiah Conference 2017. This year’s conference will mark the 50th anniversary of the YMJA, and it will also mark the introduction of the latest tool in their eternal struggle against teenage tomfoolery. Earlier today, the YMJA leadership team announced that they had successfully completed construction of a golem, which will serve as a part of the security detail.

“We’re all very proud of what we’ve accomplished here,” said YMJA Secretary Melissa Brown. “Teens staying out past curfew has always been a major issue, and while our human security guards have been a big help in catching these scofflaws, they can’t catch everyone. The golem will be different. It has no need for sleep, food, or human companionship. It won’t be swayed by phony excuses, and once it selects a target, it keeps going until it catches them. It can’t be evaded, bargained with, or tricked. It is, in short, the perfect curfew enforcer.”

As for the possibility of the golem running amok, as it does in the ancient folk legend, Brown says there’s no chance of that happening.  “We’ve made its rules very simple and easy to understand. We’ve run countless late night tests with subjects of various ages, and it’s consistently caught the underage testers while leaving those over 18 alone. It clearly knows what it’s doing, and it’s very good at doing it. We have full confidence that the golem will be a mainstay of the conference for generations to come.”

This won’t be the first time the YMJA has experimented with non-human curfew enforcers, though past attempts have never made it past the planning stages. “I still remember back in 2000,” said former YMJA President Kevin Solomon, “We were trying for months to train a team of golden retrievers for the same purpose. Unfortunately, a single thrown tennis ball would cause the entire squad to descend into chaos. Then before we could overcome that issue, we were reminded that the campus had a strict “no pets” policy, and that was that.” Still, Solomon is confident that the golem will fare better than previous efforts.

“The campus has no rule forbidding creatures made of living clay, so it won’t suffer the same fate as the retrievers,” he said. “And I’ve read the rules that it’s been given; they’re absolutely perfect. They’re written with no possible room for misinterpretation, and a golem always follows its rules to the letter. Put simply, this is that rare situation where, and you can absolutely 100% quote me on this, nothing can possibly go wrong.”

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Rabbi Seth Klayman Admits to Being Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism

SethKlayman

Cary, NC —  In September of last year, we reported that Messianics have been leaving Los Angeles in droves for a new life near Raleigh, North Carolina, and that Congregation Sha’arei Shalom has become a haven for them. More recently we have discovered that it’s not just people moving from LA, but from all over the country, including a surprising number of Rabbi’s kids. Or as we like to call them, “Rabbi’s kids.” Dr. David Matzah, of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute went undercover in Cary to investigate the situation and find out exactly why so many Messianics are making their way to Sha’arei Shalom.

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like this before in my life,” Matzah reported. This is like the Twilight Zone mixed with…I don’t even know. I really don’t even know how to put this into words. This has made me so verklempt, I really just want to use emojis to describe this, but it won’t help anyone, so here goes: Upon coming to Sha’arei of my own will and volition, I befriended Rabbi Seth Klayman, who let me into his world and showed me his underground lair and divulged his secrets with me. Seth told me he quite literally is the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism, as he has a magic flute that was given to him by Rabbi Rich Nichol. When played, the flute can summon Messianics under 35 from all corners of the contiguous 48 states. There is one tune to attract ‘normies’ to the congregation and a second one to summon Rabbi’s kids. Since Seth and his wife are both Rabbi’s kids, he specifically wants to grow his Rabbi’s kid population. He said being able to get Aaron and Heather Kasdan to join the congregation was like hitting the jackpot, since they are also a Rabbi’s kid married couple.

So the next part of this made me even more famisht. We seem to have a bit of a Stepford Wives situation on our hands. Now I don’t mean the murdering part, of course not. But Seth seems to be gathering all these under 35 Messianics and making Robot/Android counterparts of them, who are actually the ones interacting with the rest of the community. Now don’t get me wrong, the original people are being treated completely humanely. Though kept underground, they have adequate food and water, yard time, and even have their own private Yeshualand. They also seem to have no memory of what’s going on and are very happy. Apparently Seth has one of those flashing memory erasers like in the movie Men in Black, and is able to not only wipe their memories, but to create new memories in their place.

Now back to the androids. I asked Seth what his plans are with this robot army he seems to be building and he said that’s exactly it. He can program these androids to do whatever he wants. In this case it’s really about recruitment recruitment recruitment. Seth’s found the best way to grow his congregation is to send his android army to every possible conference to scout out future congregants. He then plays his magic flute and they just up and move to Raleigh. The problem with having humans doing this is 1) They have no incentive to follow directions and 2) The human body cannot withstand the lack of sleep needed to attend so many conferences.

In conclusion, should you meet someone from Congregation Sha’arei Shalom, they are more than likely an android and not a real person. They may look, act, and smell like a person, but they are, in fact an android. Do not be fooled when they tell you their names are Andrew Spadafino or Anna Foltz, because the REAL Andrew Spadafinos and Anna Foltzes of the world are riding roller coasters underground while attending a Roman & Alaina concert.”

At press time, Klayman could not be reached for comment, but he did play us a delightful tune on his flute. Wait. WAIT. WHERE AM I?

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Apple Releases Portable Electronic Sidewalk Inspired by Rabbi Michael Stepakoff’s New Book “The iPath”

iPath

Cupertino, CA — Apple Inc released a portable electronic moving sidewalk this week; the first of its kind on the market. The new “iPath,” can be carried in your pocket and expand to become a waterproof moving sidewalk. The iPath can be placed on both flat and uneven surfaces, including wet, frozen, or muddy terrains. In addition, the iPath can also act as a bridge over potholes, gaping crevices, and troubled water. The iPath comes in three sizes: six feet, eight feet, and 10 feet, and is available in two sleek colors: silver and metallic. The portable sidewalk borrows its name from the newest book by Messianic Rabbi Michael Stepakoff.

“I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t read the book, but the name is absolutely amazing,” Apple CEO, Tim Cook, said in a recent press conference. “I knew we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to create a product with the same name. I am pleased to announce we now have portable moving sidewalks available to the public. Have you ever been at the airport and just wanted to ride their moving sidewalks all day long? Well, now you can enjoy the magic of these in your own backyard! The iPath folds up to two inches and expands up to 10 feet long, depending on which model you purchase. We’re just trying to do our part to keep Americans lazy and I think we are succeeding! Also, I heard the book is pretty good too, so you should all probably read that. And so should I.”

The release of the Apple iPath comes just after the announcement of the Amazon Echo rival, the Apple HomePod, bringing up speculation that the iPath will be able to connect with the forthcoming HomePod to control the speed of the sidewalk. The iPath sidewalk is available now in your local Apple stores and you may purchase The iPath book by Rabbi Michael Stepakoff at https://smile.amazon.com/iPath-Became-Conscious-Invisible-World/dp/1544695721

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow