NEW for 2018: The Messianic Zodiac!

Ram

We all know horoscopes and the zodiac come from Satan himself, but if we make our own then it’s okay! So without further ado here is the all new Messianic Zodiac. Simply look up the year you were born and find out all about your life!

•The year of the Shofar:

1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020, 2032

You are stubborn and love free food. People tend to abuse you, especially when they are trying to impress a crowd. Don’t hide your talents from the world, but don’t let people use them incorrectly either.

•The year of the Hummus:

1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021, 2033

You are stubborn and love free food. Keep that garlic breath to yourself, especially when on a date with someone you met online.

•The year of the Bagel:

1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022, 2034

You are stubborn and love free food. You are crusty on the outside and empty on the inside. Try filling that void with Yeshua.

•The year of the Matzah Ball Soup:

1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023, 2035

You are stubborn and love free food. You are warm and comfort those around you when they are sick. Sometimes you will float and sometimes you will sink, but either way, you will always prevent people from pooping when they consume high doses of you.

•The year of the Kugel:

1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024, 2036

You are stubborn and love free food. You stand on your own without adding any unnecessary accoutrements, like raisins. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

•The year of the Vegetable Spring Rolls:

1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025, 2037

You are stubborn and love free food. Word on the street is you are so much better than your pork-filled counterparts. You’re most popular on Christmas.

•The year of the Joel Chernoff:

1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026, 2038

You are stubborn and love free food. You are full of lais, but where would we be without you? Probably in the UMJC.

•The year of the Challah:

1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027, 2039

You are stubborn and love free food. Gluten is so last year and so are those shoes you still wear to Shul every week. Try getting a personal shopper or a stylist.

•The year of the felt banner that covers up the cross in the sanctuary of the church you rent from:

1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028, 2040

You are stubborn and love free food. You’re not fooling anyone by covering up your secrets. We know. We all know.

•The year of the Belt Loop Tzit-Tzit:

1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029, 2041

You are stubborn and love free food. Some people have you wrapped around their finger, while others keep you in their pocket. Don’t worry if people tell you you are not as important as head-coverings. They don’t care much for fringe benefits.

•The year of the Manischewitz Wine:

1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030, 2042

You are stubborn and love free food. You are way too sweet for most people, but nonetheless you are a timeless classic. We can always count on you to stick around through the ages.

•The year of the Conference:

1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031, 2043

You are stubborn and love free food. There’s sure a lot of you to go around, but without you, life as we know it would crumble.

 

 

 

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Pre-MLR Will Make Its Re-Branding Debut This Weekend as ‘MLR Jr.’

NEW-MLR-Logo

Phoenix, AZ — The 10th annual Messianic Leadership Roundtable will take place this weekend, starting with what was formerly known as “Pre-MLR.” Pre-MLR is the day before MLR and is geared toward the next generation of Messianic leaders. MLR is the only leadership conference in the entire Messianic movement that brings together leaders from every major Messianic Organization and allows them to be in a controlled environment with plenty of security officers to prevent them from killing each other.

“Originally, this year’s MLR was going to be an African Safari in Kenya, but due to rising costs, we very unfortunately had to cancel that trip and move the conference back to Phoenix,” explained Jewish Voice and Messianic Movement President Jonathan Bernis. “Since this is our 10th MLR, we still wanted to do something to make the 2018 conference stand out. It was always our intention to change the name of Pre-MLR. That name was temporary until we could come up with a better one, and I really think we have a winner with ‘MLR Jr.’ it’s got a much nicer ring to it, and it also describes what the event actually is: a day for the youngsters. And I know those youngsters love catchy names they can pound sign on Instatwitter. So make sure you pound sign MLR Jr this year if you’re attending. And if you’re not attending, it’s only because you weren’t important enough to be invited. I’m looking at you, Messianic Meow! But I digress. Seriously though, pound sign MLR Jr. I’m not quite sure exactly what that does, but Matt Rosenberg told me it was a thing.”

If you’d like to be invited to MLR/ MLR Jr in the future, you may want to consider becoming a Rabbi. Most the MJAA and UMJC congregations in the U.S. are ready to start training up their next Rabbi, and it could be you…unless you’re a woman!

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Israeli Messianic Band MIQEDEM Working on Greatest Hits Album

MIQEDEM

Tel Aviv, Israel — Messianic Judaism’s favorite band, MIQEDEM, announced last week they are working on their second album. After exploding to Messianic fame in the last year, including a US tour, the demand is high enough to record a sophomore album just a little over a year after releasing their debut album. The Messianic world is waiting with bated breath to see what Jamie Hilsden and his crew will come up with next.

“I’ve been part of many many many Messianic bands and MIQEDEM has found the greatest success, by far,” lead singer and guitarist, Jamie Hilsden, said in a video on MIQEDEM’s Indiegogo page. “People love to listen to our songs on repeat. In fact, when we played the UMJC conference in July, the crowd wanted us to keep going, but we were out of songs. So we just went through our album again and everyone loved it. I don’t know if they even noticed, and I think it’s because they don’t understand what we’re singing about, because American Messianics don’t understand Hebrew. So after that we realized we could probably release a greatest hits album already. We’ll get money from selling two albums and we don’t even have to write any new material. It’s a win-win situation.”

MIQEDEM is raising money to record their second album, which will include every song from their first album, plus Elohim Lanu and Kol HaNeshama. If you’d like to help MIQEDEM reach their goal of $23,200 to record their new album, you may donate here: www.indiegogo.com/projects/miqedem-album-2#/

 

 

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UMJC Executive Committee Rules Seth Klayman Allowed to Play Flute in Rabbis’ Band at Upcoming National Conference

SethKlayman

Los Angeles, CA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations is preparing for their annual conference, which will take place July 12th-15th near Chicago. One of their traditions is having a band, that consists entirely of UMJC Rabbis, play at the conference. However, after Rabbi Seth Klayman was ousted as the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism just a few weeks ago, a petition went around to prevent Klayman from being able to play his magical brainwashing flute as part of the UMJC Conference Rabbis’ band. After careful consideration, the UMJC Executive Committee has ruled that Rabbi Seth will be allowed to play his flute at the conference after all.

“Once the petition started going around to stop Rabbi Seth Klayman from playing in the Rabbis’ Band at the Union Conference, we knew we had to have a teleconference about this,” UMJC Vice President, Rabbi Dr. John Fischer explained, in a statement released by the UMJC. “We heard a very convincing argument presented to us by UMJC Secretary…Rabbi Seth Klayman, which he opted to play for us on his flute, rather than use his words. The committee unanimously agreed to allow Seth to play in the band, as well as donate $50,000 to his congregation. I am also now considering leaving my own congregation to move to Raleigh. I don’t know what just happened, I just know that I heard some beautiful flute music and I can’t wait to hear more at the Conference.”

You can hear Rabbi Seth and the rest of the Rabbis’ Band at the upcoming UMJC Conference in Skokie, IL. To register for the conference, visit www.eventbrite.com/e/union-conference-chicago-2017-tickets-32168486810

 

 

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Conference Junkies to be Recognized at Summer Conferences with Special Serrated Half Ribbon Underneath Their Name Badges

Conference Enthusiasts Name Badge

Murca — Interesting news from the Greater Messianic Movement this week, as President Bernis announced Conference Junkies will finally get the recognition they crave. Beginning with the inaugural Conference Conference, which takes place this coming weekend, all major Messianic Organizations have agreed to add a special serrated half ribbon underneath the name badges of anyone who has attended four or more Messianic conferences in the last year and a half, that will read “Conference Enthusiast.” This may seem like overkill, but Conference Junkies help make the Movement go ‘round.

“I am so happy that my incessant conference attending is finally going to pay off,” said notorious Conference Junkie, Stephanie Escalante. “Don’t get me wrong, there are many other benefits to attending all these conferences, but it’s about time we get something in return, even if it is just a ribbon underneath my nametag. I will cherish it forever. Plus, I think it’ll give me some street cred with the UMJC Rabbis. I’ve mostly been involved with the MJAA, but I’m the new UMJC Leadership Development Program Manager and I really think having this ribbon on my name badges will make a world of difference for me trying to make a name for myself within the Union.”

The new ribbons will automatically come attached to the name badges of anyone meeting the aforementioned requirements. There is nowhere to sign up for this accolade; we just know who you are. Oh, we know. Everyone knows.

 

 

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Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

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Prime Rabbinical Candidate Drops Out of Messianic Yeshiva Over Fear of Being “Meowed”

Screen Shot 2017-06-11 at 11.34.34 PM

Murca — Disturbing news this week as the UMJC’s first round draft pick, Adam Goldensilver, has left the online Rabbinical program at the Messianic Jewish Theological Institute. The news comes as an incredible shock, as Goldensilver was just three credit hours shy of completing the program, which would give him the requirements needed to be eligible to be ordained as a UMJC Rabbi. Sadly, nothing in this life is certain, and coming this far in the program, is clearly not enough to keep the commitment to being a Rabbi.

“When I first entered the Rabbinical program, there was no organized humor in Messianic Judaism,” Adam Goldensilver wrote, in a heartfelt apology letter, to the UMJC. “This thing [The Messianic Meow] came out of nowhere. They are writing about everyone and everything Messianic. They really are leaving no stone unturned. I am a human being and I take myself very seriously. I do not want to be satirized. I did not sign up for this; I signed up to serve in a humorless Messianic Judaism. It’s changing before my eyes and I just can’t. I can’t. I’m so very sorry, but I can’t do this.”

We’ve also received word that Goldensilver appears to have fled the country and left no trace behind. We wish Adam luck and hope that wherever he winds up, he finds a sense of humor.

 

 

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