YMJA Leadership Team Builds Golem To Hunt Curfew-Breaking Teens at Messiah Conference

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Grantham, PA – In less than two weeks, the MJAA is set to kick off Messiah Conference 2017. This year’s conference will mark the 50th anniversary of the YMJA, and it will also mark the introduction of the latest tool in their eternal struggle against teenage tomfoolery. Earlier today, the YMJA leadership team announced that they had successfully completed construction of a golem, which will serve as a part of the security detail.

“We’re all very proud of what we’ve accomplished here,” said YMJA Secretary Melissa Brown. “Teens staying out past curfew has always been a major issue, and while our human security guards have been a big help in catching these scofflaws, they can’t catch everyone. The golem will be different. It has no need for sleep, food, or human companionship. It won’t be swayed by phony excuses, and once it selects a target, it keeps going until it catches them. It can’t be evaded, bargained with, or tricked. It is, in short, the perfect curfew enforcer.”

As for the possibility of the golem running amok, as it does in the ancient folk legend, Brown says there’s no chance of that happening.  “We’ve made its rules very simple and easy to understand. We’ve run countless late night tests with subjects of various ages, and it’s consistently caught the underage testers while leaving those over 18 alone. It clearly knows what it’s doing, and it’s very good at doing it. We have full confidence that the golem will be a mainstay of the conference for generations to come.”

This won’t be the first time the YMJA has experimented with non-human curfew enforcers, though past attempts have never made it past the planning stages. “I still remember back in 2000,” said former YMJA President Kevin Solomon, “We were trying for months to train a team of golden retrievers for the same purpose. Unfortunately, a single thrown tennis ball would cause the entire squad to descend into chaos. Then before we could overcome that issue, we were reminded that the campus had a strict “no pets” policy, and that was that.” Still, Solomon is confident that the golem will fare better than previous efforts.

“The campus has no rule forbidding creatures made of living clay, so it won’t suffer the same fate as the retrievers,” he said. “And I’ve read the rules that it’s been given; they’re absolutely perfect. They’re written with no possible room for misinterpretation, and a golem always follows its rules to the letter. Put simply, this is that rare situation where, and you can absolutely 100% quote me on this, nothing can possibly go wrong.”

 

 

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UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

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Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

 

 

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography

YMJA Finally Kicked Out of YMJA For Being Too Old

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Atlanta, GA – In a strange turn of events this week, the YMJA was kicked out of its namesake organization for being too old. The YMJA turns 50 this year, making it entirely too old to actually participate in the YMJA, despite the age limit recently having been extended to 45. Sadly, an organization being named after you clearly does not Grandfather you in. Not when age is a factor and there are 13 year olds involved. Not in this movement anyway.

“We knew this had to happen eventually,” explained Rabbi Kevin Solomon, Executive Director of the YMJA. “We’ve been avoiding this for years and it was just time. Unfortunately, sometimes my job involves kicking people out of the YMJA. Sometimes we later invite those people to come back and speak to the YMJA, but that is neither here nor there. It was a sad day for all of us, but rules are rules. If I can’t be a member of the YMJA, neither can the YMJA. This is the end of an era, but it’s about time we start the OMJA; the Old Messianic Jewish Alliance. Of course, I’m far too young for that one!”

In the face of receiving this devastating news, the YMJA will continue its fiftieth birthday celebration all year, and you can help celebrate and follow along on social media with the hashtag #ymja50. Happy birthday, YMJA!

 

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Early Bird Registration Deadline for Messiah Conference 2017 is May 31st, and They Mean it This Time. No, Really; They Do

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Springfield, PA – The beginning of Messiah Conference 2017 is now just 41 days away, and early bird registration discount prices are set to end on May 31st. The MJAA has a long history of extending their conference registration deadlines, but this year’s Messiah Conference will be unlike the others, as the MJAA has stated they will not be extending their early bird deadline this year.

“Yes, we are notorious for extending the registration deadline for all of our conferences,” said Conference Services representative, Linda Brown. “We extend the early bird and regular registration deadlines for Messiah Conference, our regional conferences, YMJA retreats, and ARCH Leadership Summit pretty regularly. You could actually set your watch to it. However, this year we have to lay down the law. We raised the price of Messiah Conference this year, and there’s a reason for that. If we could afford to give everyone the ‘early bird’ price up until the day of the conference we would. Somewhere along the way we lost sight of this being about money and now we have to make up for all those deadline extensions we granted. Plus, if we don’t keep people on their toes, they won’t keep coming back. So register by May 31st. Or else.”

You can register for Messiah Conference at www.messiahconference.org The cost is supposedly going to go up by $50 per person if you register after May 31st, but it will probably really be more like June 9th or 10th.

 

 

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YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to April the Giraffe

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Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the April the Giraffe, who was mercilessly slaughtered over the weekend, simply because giraffes are biblically Kosher, but are not readily available as food. The video will be a sequel to the still yet to be released tribute to Harambe, that was supposed to have been released five months ago.

“We filmed the Harambe video in January at the ARCH Leadership Summit, but my laptop has been broken literally for forever,” said YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg, who is in charge of making both the April and Harambe tribute videos. “I could let someone else edit the videos, but I like to keep my commitments. Besides, I’m Jewish, aren’t I supposed to be late with everything?? I don’t think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew; I feel very optimistic that I will be able to release both videos in time for the 10th anniversary of their deaths!”

The videos will be released on YouTube and Facebook as soon as they are ready. Goldberg says both videos will include the same footage, and mostly the same song lyrics, just to save time. Keep your eyes peeled; the videos will be posted on The Messianic Meow Facebook page as soon as they are finished.

 

 

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Members Struggle To Fill Prayer Times After Synagogue Purchases New Building

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Philadelphia, PA – This past weekend, in Philadelphia, members of Congregation Beth Yeshua listened, in shock, as Rabbi David Chernoff revealed that the synagogue’s long search for a new building has finally reached an end. It was an announcement over 20 years in the making, and one many had come to suspect would never arrive. However, the mood among the congregation was far more anxious than one might expect, and after the service stunned members expressed a mix of excitement and deep concern.

“Obviously, I’m thrilled that we finally have a new building,” said long-time member Helen Wilson. “We’ve been looking for over two decades, and we’ve needed it for at least that long. That being said, praying for a new building has been a major cornerstone of my prayer time throughout this search. Over 20 years of habit is going to be hard to break, and I have no idea what I’m going to fill that time with.”

Many others in the congregation voiced similar issues. “I’ve literally been praying for the new building since I was a kid,” said former YMJA President Jonathan Salkind. “I barely even remember a time when I wasn’t setting aside a big chunk of my quiet time to focus on it. Not to mention my wife and I have been raising our daughters to always pray that we’d get a new building; what are we supposed to tell them to pray about now?”

In an effort to ease troubled members’ concerns, Rabbi David assured the congregation that there was still plenty to pray for. “We still need to sell our current building,” he said, making sure to maintain a soothing tone of voice so as not to further agitate the crowd. “We’ve also been having difficulty getting settlement on the other property we bought a few years back. Plus, while it doesn’t look like zoning will be an issue, we’re going to need to do some substantial construction on the new building before we can move in. Believe me, there’s still plenty to pray about.” Nonetheless, many of those in attendance weren’t entirely convinced.

“Sure,” said Ken Fischer, “Technically we’ve still got stuff to pray for. But, I mean, selling property? Construction going smoothly? I can wring maybe five minutes out of that. What about the other 25 minutes I was devoting to the new building each day? How do they expect me to reach the full hour per day of prayer that the Rabbi’s been drilling into us for all these years if my biggest subject just vanishes?”

Reached for comment, Office Manager, John Rose, suggested several possible topics of building-related prayers. In addition to reiterating the Rabbi’s points, he suggested praying for other Messianic congregations in need of buildings, including Adat HaTikvah near Chicago and Shuvah Yisrael on Long Island. But members shrugged that suggestion off as well. “Most of my prayer time for the building has been pressing in for God’s will on various properties I’ve seen in the area that seemed perfect for us,” said Josh Collis. “How can I do that for a congregation in a place I’ve never been to?”

However, not everyone at Beth Yeshua is dismayed by the sudden lack of prayer material. In fact, dance leader, Tatiana Pulido, said that the announcement has taken her prayer life to a whole new level. “Are you kidding me?!” she asked incredulously. “Now that we have the property, I can finally stop praying about the building and focus on what really matters. I’ve got a very clear vision for our new dance floor, and believe me, I’m going to make sure both God and the office staff hear about it every single day until my prayers are answered.”

 

 

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