Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

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Prime Rabbinical Candidate Drops Out of Messianic Yeshiva Over Fear of Being “Meowed”

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Murca — Disturbing news this week as the UMJC’s first round draft pick, Adam Goldensilver, has left the online Rabbinical program at the Messianic Jewish Theological Institute. The news comes as an incredible shock, as Goldensilver was just three credit hours shy of completing the program, which would give him the requirements needed to be eligible to be ordained as a UMJC Rabbi. Sadly, nothing in this life is certain, and coming this far in the program, is clearly not enough to keep the commitment to being a Rabbi.

“When I first entered the Rabbinical program, there was no organized humor in Messianic Judaism,” Adam Goldensilver wrote, in a heartfelt apology letter, to the UMJC. “This thing [The Messianic Meow] came out of nowhere. They are writing about everyone and everything Messianic. They really are leaving no stone unturned. I am a human being and I take myself very seriously. I do not want to be satirized. I did not sign up for this; I signed up to serve in a humorless Messianic Judaism. It’s changing before my eyes and I just can’t. I can’t. I’m so very sorry, but I can’t do this.”

We’ve also received word that Goldensilver appears to have fled the country and left no trace behind. We wish Adam luck and hope that wherever he winds up, he finds a sense of humor.

 

 

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Rabbi Seth Klayman Admits to Being Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism

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Cary, NC —  In September of last year, we reported that Messianics have been leaving Los Angeles in droves for a new life near Raleigh, North Carolina, and that Congregation Sha’arei Shalom has become a haven for them. More recently we have discovered that it’s not just people moving from LA, but from all over the country, including a surprising number of Rabbi’s kids. Or as we like to call them, “Rabbi’s kids.” Dr. David Matzah, of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute went undercover in Cary to investigate the situation and find out exactly why so many Messianics are making their way to Sha’arei Shalom.

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like this before in my life,” Matzah reported. This is like the Twilight Zone mixed with…I don’t even know. I really don’t even know how to put this into words. This has made me so verklempt, I really just want to use emojis to describe this, but it won’t help anyone, so here goes: Upon coming to Sha’arei of my own will and volition, I befriended Rabbi Seth Klayman, who let me into his world and showed me his underground lair and divulged his secrets with me. Seth told me he quite literally is the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism, as he has a magic flute that was given to him by Rabbi Rich Nichol. When played, the flute can summon Messianics under 35 from all corners of the contiguous 48 states. There is one tune to attract ‘normies’ to the congregation and a second one to summon Rabbi’s kids. Since Seth and his wife are both Rabbi’s kids, he specifically wants to grow his Rabbi’s kid population. He said being able to get Aaron and Heather Kasdan to join the congregation was like hitting the jackpot, since they are also a Rabbi’s kid married couple.

So the next part of this made me even more famisht. We seem to have a bit of a Stepford Wives situation on our hands. Now I don’t mean the murdering part, of course not. But Seth seems to be gathering all these under 35 Messianics and making Robot/Android counterparts of them, who are actually the ones interacting with the rest of the community. Now don’t get me wrong, the original people are being treated completely humanely. Though kept underground, they have adequate food and water, yard time, and even have their own private Yeshualand. They also seem to have no memory of what’s going on and are very happy. Apparently Seth has one of those flashing memory erasers like in the movie Men in Black, and is able to not only wipe their memories, but to create new memories in their place.

Now back to the androids. I asked Seth what his plans are with this robot army he seems to be building and he said that’s exactly it. He can program these androids to do whatever he wants. In this case it’s really about recruitment recruitment recruitment. Seth’s found the best way to grow his congregation is to send his android army to every possible conference to scout out future congregants. He then plays his magic flute and they just up and move to Raleigh. The problem with having humans doing this is 1) They have no incentive to follow directions and 2) The human body cannot withstand the lack of sleep needed to attend so many conferences.

In conclusion, should you meet someone from Congregation Sha’arei Shalom, they are more than likely an android and not a real person. They may look, act, and smell like a person, but they are, in fact an android. Do not be fooled when they tell you their names are Andrew Spadafino or Anna Foltz, because the REAL Andrew Spadafinos and Anna Foltzes of the world are riding roller coasters underground while attending a Roman & Alaina concert.”

At press time, Klayman could not be reached for comment, but he did play us a delightful tune on his flute. Wait. WAIT. WHERE AM I?

 

 

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Apple Releases Portable Electronic Sidewalk Inspired by Rabbi Michael Stepakoff’s New Book “The iPath”

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Cupertino, CA — Apple Inc released a portable electronic moving sidewalk this week; the first of its kind on the market. The new “iPath,” can be carried in your pocket and expand to become a waterproof moving sidewalk. The iPath can be placed on both flat and uneven surfaces, including wet, frozen, or muddy terrains. In addition, the iPath can also act as a bridge over potholes, gaping crevices, and troubled water. The iPath comes in three sizes: six feet, eight feet, and 10 feet, and is available in two sleek colors: silver and metallic. The portable sidewalk borrows its name from the newest book by Messianic Rabbi Michael Stepakoff.

“I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t read the book, but the name is absolutely amazing,” Apple CEO, Tim Cook, said in a recent press conference. “I knew we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to create a product with the same name. I am pleased to announce we now have portable moving sidewalks available to the public. Have you ever been at the airport and just wanted to ride their moving sidewalks all day long? Well, now you can enjoy the magic of these in your own backyard! The iPath folds up to two inches and expands up to 10 feet long, depending on which model you purchase. We’re just trying to do our part to keep Americans lazy and I think we are succeeding! Also, I heard the book is pretty good too, so you should all probably read that. And so should I.”

The release of the Apple iPath comes just after the announcement of the Amazon Echo rival, the Apple HomePod, bringing up speculation that the iPath will be able to connect with the forthcoming HomePod to control the speed of the sidewalk. The iPath sidewalk is available now in your local Apple stores and you may purchase The iPath book by Rabbi Michael Stepakoff at https://smile.amazon.com/iPath-Became-Conscious-Invisible-World/dp/1544695721

 

 

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UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

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Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

 

 

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography

Merchandise is here!!!

Swag is finally here!! Get your t-shirts to wear to summer conferences! We also have hoodies, totes, phone cases, mugs, etc.

 

https://messianicmeow.threadless.com

 

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